Everybody knows there are twisted people on the internet. They inhabit the forums of this immaterial world like weevils inhabit silos of grain, devouring all that is holy, fornicating wildly and generally doing creepy shit that freaks us out collectively. The evidence of these strange eldritch beings come to straight-edged community pillars such as I only occasionally. One of these methods is via the search terms used to reach my blog, several of which I will illustrate. I have got a treasure trove of gems that I could probably show you, but I haven’t got the time. And no, that is not a euphemism,
“Soviet Russia Jokes”
Not creepy but noteworthy. It says a lot about the internet community and the quality of my blog that the most popular search term used to reach my little site is this. Of all the Soviet Russia jokes that I have heard only one was made me ‘lol’ and that was told by a dear and a hilarious friend who shall remained unnamed, so as to protect him from the hordes of envious comedy geeks which congregate, batlike, across the wide world of the internet. The rest of the terms, at least the interesting ones, can be divided into two loose categories.
Category One: Utterly Random
There are certain terms that pop up on your dashboard that neither disturb one, nor prompt one to cackle unstably. There are certain terms, such as these, that are so utterly strange and surreal, that you often spend a good fifteen minutes contemplating who on Earth could have thought such a thing and how they found your blog.
1. “cats watching a pot”
WTF? I honestly don’t know. Three people used this… I didn’t even know cats went in for that sort of shiz. If this is some sort of meme can somebody let my know? I mean, I don’t really go in for memes, but this seems hilarious at a surface level, and I for one, cannot wait for the opportunity to while away all of my hours and computer bandwidth looking at images of cat staring fixedly at a vast and diverse range of terracotta pots.
2. “negative and positive space with hands”
I have no idea. I put an article up about hippies a while back. I presume it’s that smelly lot, they always go in for all that pseudo-science about ley lines and spirit guides and whatnot. There is probably some legitimate explanation, but I’m too lazy to investigate.
3. фото коттеджей высокого разрешения
OR: High resolution pictures of cottages.
This reflects the highly active and voracious community of cottage enthusiasts who reside in Mother Russia. Not content for blurry grainy pictures of their beloved edifices, these badboys go for high res close ups of awnings, mantels and even gables! Pursue at your own risk!
Category 2: Sus.
You know why people do this. Because deep down people are base, primitive creatures who want to root things. Combine this evaluation with the fact that a lot of people are heaps weird and you get the search terms below. None of these really have a G-Rating by the way.
1. “best russian erotic”
Pretty straightforward. I used my imagination to hypothesise what the person was looking for. Six Cossack girls and a KGB operative are stranded in sauna in the middle of the Siberian tundra. Shenanigans ensue.
2. “immense joy fun cat”
Either really innocent with meme and Otaku (my new word of the week) influences, or quite, quite… “nice”. *shivers*
3. “gypsy naked woman”
See number one. Replace Cossack girls with gypsy equivalents. Replace KGB officer with Old Uncle Vanya. Set in the mountains of Eastern Bulgaria.
4. “russian whores”
Very subtle. These are real women. With lives and family you know. Shame, shame on you. Get off the internet and start tuning some chicks of your own you sad 15 year old World of Warcraft fans from Minnesota, or Bristol.
5. “keating touches queen”
Probably involving a political scandal of the eighties. Could however be geopolitical hard porn. If I go further I may be charged with sedition.
Category 2B: Kissin’ Cousins.
Ever since Elvis, the king of Rock and Roll legitimised incest in the late 1950s, with a movie often described as the epitome of the flourishing Incest genre, rural relatives have been going at it like large, toothless rabbits with nasal twangs. The effects of this can be seen here.
1. “russian incest”
Cousin Katja and Cousin Vladmir are all alone in a distant Kazakh gulag, there family sent there for criticising municipal grain policy. They burn with adolescent passion, but there is only one outlet…
2. “appalachian people inbreeding”
See above replace Katja with Mary-Sue, Vladmir with Billy-Jay. You can pretty much ad lib the rest.
3. “erotic ,,incest,,”
The strange comma things make me think Europeans searched this one. Those twisted quasi-socialist yuppies with their IKEA and their healthcare… The socialist hellhole that they live in is so monotonous and dull, that their turn to incest is almost understandable.
4. “inbred movie”
So that’s it! Cats! Incest! Russian whores! These are the interests of my viewers, as an utterly committed free marketeer, convinced of the steady, firm, sweaty grip of Adam’s invisible hand, I must now make sure my new content reflects these people’s demands. Anthropomorphic Russian lesbian incest ahoy!
Participating Parties In Order
Want to follow our blog tour? Here are the participating parties, day by day
November 5th —http://kirstenwrites.wordpress.com/ – Kirsten Writes!
November 6th —
– A Farewell To Sanity
November 7th —
– Eat, Sleep, Write, Repeat
November 8th —
– Embracing Insanity
November 9th —
– Novel Journeys
November 10th —-
– Red Herring Online
November 11th —
– Tay’s Tape
November 12th —
– The Land of Man-Eating Pixies
November 13th –
– Random On My Mind!
November 14th –
– This Page Intentionally Left Blank
November 15th —
– Here’s To Us
– The Incessant Droning of a Bored Writer
November 17th —
– Teens Can Write Too! (We will be announcing the topic for the next month’s chain)