If you’re reading this blog, and I presume you are, I’m automatically assuming that you’re a socialist. If you’re not then just pretend for the duration of the article, because what’s following is not going to be very much use to you. Put bluntly it won’t be very much use to anyone, but that’s life I suppose. Existential angst! Cue non-sequitur.
(Thanks also to Comrade Pedro for some valuable input. Solidarity)
Your favourite type of drink is:
Your favourite hat is:
A. A Ushanka
B. A Beret
C. A Helmet
Your favourite type of music is:
A. The Red Army Choir
B. You probably haven’t heard of it.
C. Anything by Wagner
Your economic policy is summed up by which statement?
A. Liquidate the kulaks as a class.
B. Bring down the corporations man!
C. Our companies must be Aryan and guided by the Leader’s will.
What do you do with Germanic Runes?
A. Ban them
B. Wear them around my neck
C. Paint them on the side of my tank.
What type of facial hair do you have?
A. Broomhead moustache
B. Intellectual stubble/beard
C. Toothbrush moustache
Your favourite director is?
A. Sergei Eisenstein.
B. Michael Moore.
C Leni Riefenstahl.
Gulags make you:
B. Disgusted, I hate the architecture.
C. Fearful for the survival of the Master race.
Your favourite way of purging involves:
A. The KGB
B. A good black coffee
C Long knives
Are you racist?
A. No, but death to the Germans
B. No way man!
C. Of course? We are the Master race,
You are the leader of a large socialist power. A smaller neighbouring power begins making decisions that go against your interests. Do you:
A. Invade and kill the intelligentsia
B. Like make peace with the guys.
C Invade and kill the intelligentsia
Who should have won WW2?
A. The USSR. And we did.
Who did you support in Star Wars?
A. The Empire
B. Never watched it.
C. The Empire
What do you think of Rick from the Young Ones.
A. Revisionist filth
B. The People’s Poet
C. Leftist filth
How do you regard America?
A. Imperialist dogs
B. Imperialist dogs
C. Held in thrall by the Zionist Occupational Government.
Who is your hero?
B. Che Guevara or Michael Moore.
C. Hit- I mean Otto Strasser.
Count up your scores! What option did you score the most! Tally your bananas, because daylight has come, and its time to figure out what socialist you are!
A. You are a Stalinist. You have impressive facial hair and find absolute power orgasmic. You hate the fascistic west, and hope to keep your nation free from its decadence by crushing all dissent. In your free time you travel out to your, sorry, the people’s dacha by the Volga, smoke cigars, drink vodka and reminisce with your old comrade about the civil war. At least those you haven’t ordered be killed.
B. You are a hipster. You wear a beret and a cardigan. You carry around Christopher Hitchens and a coffee thermos in your satchel, Richard Dawkins is your God and America is your Satan. You voted for Obama but are now fashionably dissatisfied with his warmongering regime. You want to destroy all corporation except for Apple, and like nothing more than sitting back with your fellow liberal arts majors and sip lates while reflecting on the coming end of capitalism.
C. You are a Nazi. You are highly strung, racist and ordered in your everyday life. You are clean shaven, even your scalp is bare, except of course for a small toothbrush moustache, which when pressed, you insist is an homage to Charlie Chaplain. You want to name your child, assuming that any woman is insane enough to touch you, Adolf, as you are proud of your German heritage. Your daily energies go towards writing anti-Semitic blog posts and trawling Stormfront for hot Aryans in your area. To unwind you lie about in your underwear, sipping beer or bourbon and watching reruns of Wolverines and Romper Stomper.