Most Socialist President of the USA

Penguinbane is gone. Our dear beloved Newt Gingrich. Although he made unrealistic statements about space, loved God, despised the left and was renowned for his interest in popular hygiene, Penguinbane somehow did not succeed in his ultimate quest to become President of the United States (POTUS). Coincidentally an anagram of POTUS is POUTS, and pouting being one of the myriad of reactions that comes to mind when I hear a little smidgeon of this on my television late at night.

“As to the presidency, I’m asked sometimes is Mitt Romney conservative enough? And my answer is simple – compared to Barack Obama? You know, this is not a choice between Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan. This is a choice between Mitt Romney and the most radical leftist president in American history.”

You’re Either On One Side Or The Other

To be correct I didn’t pout. I got up off my seat, walked over to the television and said the word “no” loudly and repeatedly, with intermittent inclusion of “idiot”. My beef? Udder than the supposed fact that conservative is now a byword for “best”, the equally intangible statement that Obama is the most radical leftist president in American history. Please. I live in Australia and I know that not to be the case, as much as my subversive little heart wishes otherwise. I will present to Penguinbane three arguments. Three presidents who were more socialist than Barrack Obama.

El Presidente Uno: Theodore Roosevelt.

Oh Teddy! Interventionist hero of the Spanish Wars, roughrider, game hunter and all round badass! He rode meese and strangled nakeds with his bear hands! Often ranked within the 5^th best presidents of all time! Is he not more conservative than Chuck Norris? Well aside from his Spaniard ousting adventures overseas, Theodore Roosevelt was famous for his trust busting. That’s right, the evil statist restraint of capitalism’s ethereal invisible hand, infringing the abilities of hardworking honest industrialists to gain monopolies on certain sectors of the economy. Also he was a greenie. He basically created national parks and was avowed conservationist. He would have liked the EPA and wind farms if Marx magic were able to resurrect his corpse today. Verdict? Tree-hugging liberal.

Der Prasident Zwei: Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

A distant cousin of Teddy, and therefore a commie by default, Franklin Delano Roosevelt is often rated as one of the USA’s greatest presidents, for his skillful steering of America out of the Great Depression and into World War Two. FDR’s package to revive the ailing United States was disgusting heartless communist filth that worked quite effectively if some historians are to believed. It was based around not only the recovery of the economy to normal levels, but more decisively “relief” for the unemployed and “reform” to prevent the Great Depression from happening again. That means wealth redistribution and regulation kiddos, and that’s socialist. FDR’s New Deal also relied on massive public works programs to provide employment to proletarian scum and revitalise sections of the economy that deserved to die. Though much headway has been made by a series of more sane governments that have eroded FDR’s evil regulations, and made the natural profitable cycles as seen in the Global Financial Crisis possible again, socialist anathemas like the Tennessee Valley Authority and the outdated anti-market concept of “social security” still exist.

Soviet Union Socialist Realism? Or Timberline Lodge Oregon?

Le President Trois: Dwight Eisenhower

Dwight, like T. Roosevelt at first glance does not seem fairly socialist. He was a Republican. He was a five-star general who put all of Western Europe under the stars and stripes. He became the super commander of NATO, intervened in Iran and Guatemala to topple left leaning democratic leaders and replace them  in national interest. But all this doesn’t diminish his socialist aspect. After all, did not Trotsky believe in a world revolution? Did not the Comintern specialise in the creation in the contamination of precious bodily fluids across the world? The fact remains that although Ike fought the Soviets back like a true patriotic son, his national policy would be condemned as socialist if put forward today. What did he do? Well for starters the top tax rate in Eisenhower’s reign was 94%. Today Obama’s trying on his class warfare to raise it to 40%. He ordered the state build highways, rather than rely on friendly private corporations and expanded exponentially on the disgusting social security FDR forced on the brave American populace. He also tyrannically placed in troops to enforce educational integration at Little Rock, Arkansas. Astronomical taxes, builds autobahns, gives money to filthy poor folk, makes war on conservative values. Eisenhower is undoubtedly a Red. If only McCarthy had spotted him and acted accordingly.

So next time you hear, or perhaps even yourself spout, Penguinbane’s misplaced rhetoric, actually consider America’s history, and realise that Obama is not socialist. He’s a moderate conservative, well to the right of Eisenhower and most centre-right christian democrats in Europe. Peace fraternal and sisternal comrades, and please rectify any errors this hapless Australian has made. Read here for an interesting more comprehensive version I’ve found.

Clive Palmer: National Treasure?

G’day guys and gals. Sorry for the hiatus, I’ve been too busy making excuses, and its been a slow news week besides. I just though I’d tell you a few quick thinks about our dear collective amigo, Clive Palmer, declared a National Treasure by Woman’s Day and therefore apparently some sort of cultural folk hero who specialises in gallantly destroying world heritage areas and destabilising governments.

Clive Palmer, Australian millionaire mining magnet and apparent national treasure is a hero. If you haven’t been blessed with the giddy pleasure of having witnessed him on Australia’s nightly news bulletins, he basically just loves calling press conferences and announcing things. Just like Spiderman’s sticky hand juice, and Batman’s cape and lycra fetish, it’s a vital part of his superhero persona. He successfully revealed to us the astonishing revelation that Greenpeace and the Greens are run by the CIA, he’s starting up a rival football federation to counter Lowy’s evil heartless commu-facists. He’s going to rebuild the Titanic, discover the lost city of Atlantis and presumably perform a duet with Gina Rinehart on the ship’s very prow, a premiere of Gina’s latest spoken word piece about the evils of regulating business and the need for Third world slave labour. Celine Dion eat your heart out.

Is there anything more that our dear, heroic national treasure can offer this country. The short answer is yes. He’s going to run for parliament, in Treasure Wayne Swan’s seat of Lilley, and perform a heroic public service for the national good.

Okay. Let’s depart from that for a second and take a more serious tack. Now this bloke isn’t your run of the mill Vermin Supreme, your satirical, attention seeking 4chan troll. He may be ridiculous, but he’s kind of dangerous. Like our dear friend Gina he’s got an agenda, namely “cutting red tape” or more accurately giving free run of the country to the super rich like himself. At the moment, gaining favourable preselection for the seat of Lilley is seeming remote, but I assure you, should he gain it and anymore influence, it would be a dark day for our supposedly egalitarian society. People like Mr Palmer and Ms Rinehardt are like poison within our system, using their immense wealth, built up via exploitation and inheritance to alter the flow of opinion and change political decisions in their favour, be it to deregulate business, encourage socially conservative views, or skew the “debate” on anthropogenic climate change. The consolidation of the power should be rightly feared, and opposed at every turn. Robber barons should not, nor ever be, a part of Australian society.

Greece Enlightening!

I’m really sorry about the title. Truly I am. Please keep reading. The Greek Elections are scheduled for the 6^th of May, that’s only a couple of weeks into the dark and murky future. But before you dismiss this off-hand, which I’m sure you won’t do, and protest that this stuff is only of interest to hopeless political buffs, which I’m sure you don’t think, consider for a second, the elections possible implications.

I’m not an expert of Greek politics. Even if I had the self discipline I couldn’t read the plethora of party’s various manifestos and policies, and catch up on the latest inside news. Mostly because I can’t speak or read Greek, but the little I can gleam from the world around me makes me interested and just a bit concerned.

They're Not Waving. That's the Moutza. The Greek Equivalent of "Up Yours"

Greece’s government is deeply unpopular. With the departure of the far-right LAOS, it’s currently a grand coalition made from two separate parties, united by a common support for the austerity measures required for European Union bailouts to continue. The largest party in the coalition is PASOK, the Panhellenic Socialist Movement, a centre-left party which garnered around 43% of the vote at the last election in 2009. After the last few years of economic catastrophe, it currently polls at around 15%. The leader of PASOK, Evangelos Venizelos is apparently extremely similar in appearance to the lead singer of British heavy metal band Grim Reaper.

The next largest party is New Democracy, PASOK’s centre-right counterpart and main opposition partner. The fact that PASOK and ND are now bedfellows speaks volumes about the magnitude of the situation effecting Greece. That is if the massive riots, unemployment and mass exodus went unnoticed. ND seems to be your run of the mill centre-right party, but it does however have a profound hard right influence. Party leader Antonis Samaras was ejected from the party 16 years ago for his bull-headed stance on Macedonia, and of their two MPs, formerly members of the once third party in the coalition, far right LAOS, have come to the attention of international media for their views and history.

This is Sabby Mioni’s take on coalition minister Markis Voridis, published in Haaretz at the beginning of this month.

“As a Jew and an Israeli, I feel it is my duty and obligation to share with you Voridis’ background and political career. A former leading figure in Greece’s neo-Nazi youth group, Chrysi Avgi (Golden Dawn), Voridis has a long history of Holocaust denial, anti-Semitism and xenophobia, including physical threats to Jewish families and leading groups of thugs against immigrants and leftists. Over the last couple of weeks he has smoothed over his thuggish past by describing it as “right-wing activism”. As a student at the elite Athens College high school, alma mater of current Prime Minister Papadimos, former Prime Minister Papandreou, Samaras and myself, Voridis formed the fascist student group “Free Students” that painted the walls with swastikas and saluted each other with using the Nazi-era greeting “Heil Hitler.”

See the Guy Walking Around With The Hammer? That's Voridis in Uni, 1985, Using His Hammer As A Debating Tool Against Communists and Jews.

During school elections, Voridis would violently threaten not only the Jewish students who opposed his fascist group, but also their families. After graduation, Voridis formed a fascist group in the Law School of Athens and became active in neo-Nazi youth groups. In the 1990s, following the footsteps of his mentor, Jean Marie LePen, he formed the National Front, an anti-immigrant party. His party’s motto was “Red card for immigrants.” A few years ago, he joined LAOS and was elected to parliament. He soon became the darling of the Greek media, due to his extensive family connections, his debating skills and his charisma in front of the cameras.”

Less prominent is deputy minister Adonis Georgiadis, who is famous for his televised rants against Muslims, immigrants, Jews and support for the military dictatorship that formerly governed Greece. Up until February the coalition could have included LAOS, or Popular Orthodox Rally, party leader Giorgos Karatzaferis, a one time body building xenophobe who once declared. “They say that to get ahead you have to be one of three things: a Jew, a homosexual, or a communist. We are none of these … Vote for a parliament without Masons, without homosexuals, without those dependent on Zionism.” Thankfully, support for LAOS has plummeted following their brief but toxic involvement in the grand coalition.

Now, bearing these facts in mind, the rapidly deteriorating status of the Greek economy, and what’s seen as increasing dependence on Germany and the EU, its no wonder why support for the Coalition, comprised of the once major parties is running at a combined 33%, and according to the latest MRB Hellas poll, only 7% would favour an administration comprised of the two main parties. More and more, Greeks are looking to the margins of the political arena for answers.

Poll methodology varies, but currently the support for the long-suffering KKE, the Communist Party of Greece, an old Soviet style Marxist party, prominent in the protest movement and known for denying the true scale of Stalin’s atrocities is running at around 10%. SYRIZA, the Coalition of the Radical Left, and the democratic socialist party DIMAR, the Democratic Left, are both recording similar results. That gives anti-austerity leftist parties, before the crisis either non-existent or with only fringe support, with a level of support that rivals the mainstream coalition.

Apart from the Greens, the anti-austerity classic liberals in the ANEL, Independent Greeks, and the New Democracy splinter group DISY, Democratic Alliance, the party that stands out the most if not in support than in sheer shock value is Golden Dawn. Once a fringe party, Golden Dawn, an unabashed ultra-nationalist Neo-nazi party with roots in Nazi occultism is now running at over 5% in some polls. Golden Dawn is known for reveling in Nazi memorabilia, Mein Kampf is on display at it’s headquarters, anti-immigrant violence, Nazi salutes and holocaust denial. Sadly, all of this is becoming more and more acceptable to the Greek electorate, as economic conditions worsen and anti-immigrant sentiment rises.

Now to the crux, what I told you at the beginning. What does this mean for you? Well, with anti-Austerity parties polling around about two thirds of the vote, Greece’s status as an EU member, and therefore continuing to receive bailout funds are increasingly in doubt. Default is a clear and present danger. What will this mean? I’m don’t pretend to be an economist, but thing’s I’ve heard sound pretty dire. Most of the Western world is in massive amounts of public debt and such a level of uncertainty and instability in this key part of the world can’t be good for the shaky and hole-ridden global financial sector as a whole. So I’m just sitting back and watching anxiously, in the full knowledge that drastic generational change might be just around in the corner.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_legislative_election,_2012

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_political_parties_in_Greece

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2012-04-14/greece-s-main-parties-have-backing-of-33-of-voters-poll-shows.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/04/13/world/europe/far-right-golden-dawn-sees-opening-in-greeces-woes.html?pagewanted=2

http://www.nakedcapitalism.com/2011/11/mark-ames-austerity-fascism-in-greece-%E2%80%93-the-real-1-doctrine.html

Tea Party Resurrects Ghost of McCarthy

So ladies and gentlebees, while I’ve been hobnobbing around Bungwahl, getting my legs cut open with razor grass, half drowning in swamp and surf, nearly getting bitten by a snake and drinking my own piss, some interesting things have been happening in the world. One of which is this, Republican Congressman Allen West, channeling the spirit of our beloved Douglas McCarthy from beyond the grave. Our lovely Comrade McCarthy, no longer content with making baseless accusations in that big right wing caucus in the sky has decided to employ his impressive powers down here on Terra Firma, through faithful patriot and compatriot, Mr Allen West.

Mr West, a figurehead of the Tea Party movement and a possible Romney running mate, was speaking at a town hall in Palm City, Jensen Beach, when he uttered this gem.

“Moderator: What percentage of the American legislature do you think are card-carrying Marxists or International Socialist?

West: It’s a good question. I believe there’s about 78 to 81 members of the Democrat Party who are members of the Communist Party. It’s called the Congressional Progressive Caucus.”

Remind you of anyone? Perhaps a certain famous Cold War senator? A man who once said:

“I have here in my hand a list of two hundred and five people that were known to the Secretary of State as being members of the Communist Party and who nevertheless are still working and shaping the policy of the State Department.”

Indeed! The similarities are manifest! Manifest! Which sounds like Manifesto! I rest my case. But in all seriousness, Mr West claims to have been misquoted. His rationale is that the Communist Party of the USA publicly declared the Congressional Progressive Caucus an ally, and therefore, by extension, makes all the CPC’s members, approximately eighty Democrats, tarred with the same red brush. Going by that logic, Stalin’s decision to ally with Roosevelt and Churchill in the Second World War, makes those two statesmen card-carrying Reds also. Churchill! How could you! We thought you were so butch when you advocated gassing the Kurds!

But giving Congressman West the benefit of doubt, and perhaps even temporarily suspending logic, it would be remiss for us not to examine other comments undertaken by other Republicans of the Tea Party strain. Allen West’s one time candidate for his Chief of Staff, Joyce Kaufman, fell from grace with this revolutionary statement, more resembling Mao-Zedong than a God-fearing daughter of America. “If ballots don’t work, bullets will.”

Looking at things more broadly, conspiracy theories surrounding Obama’s birth certificate are widespread, and the primaries to this point have been plagued with nominees waxing lyrical over how they would bomb Iran even gooder than their political competitors. Elevating taxes against the wealthy to fall in line with middle class tax rates are seen as “class warfare”, the entire system of progressive taxation and even a rudimentary welfare state is increasingly falling from a position of mainstream agreement, to the mainstay of the radical left. Like this aptly named British group, which happens to be one of my favourite bands.

Rick Santorum, the now sidelined conservative candidate for the Republican Presidential bid advocated his own version of Christian Sharia law and crusaded against pornography, striking fear into the hearts of teenage boys everywhere. Personally, I’ve breathed a deep sigh of relief now that he, and his fellow conservative candidates have, to quote a quaint Australian expression “died in the arse”. Ron Paul’s libertarianism is never going to catch on, and Gingrich is just wallowing about in the shallows, wondering what happened. That of course leaves the ground open to another type of politician, Romney.

Romney of course, is harder to criticise, because his platform seems to shift with the wind. The sane “fiscal conservative” of 1994, is now a committed social conservative also, although the details of such seem to shift depending on the time and the question. Romney is a chameleon, emblematic of the unscrupulous nature of cash-saturated merchant-statesmen, shifting with the political climate and using vast cash reserves to fill in the cracks.

I could trawl across the internet finding more quotes and links, and generally rant for hours, but I think I’ve made my point. America is shifting to starboard faster than the Titanic upon it’s meeting with that fateful iceberg. The fact that there is a strong progressive opposition, exemplified by the Occupy movement is perhaps even more frightening. Put simply, from this radical young Australians’s perspective, America needs to conciliate with the various interests existing in it’s borders, eliminate the influence of big money in the political system, and generally just take things a little more easy. Otherwise, it will rip itself apart.

Don’t Fear The Primaries

Instead of writing a long and thought out manifesto concerning the current state of the Labor Party, bemoaning the existence and influence of factions, the petty individualism and prideful struggles of it’s leading members, and making a number of cunning puns, I’ve decided to put a whimsical video, symbolising my reaction to political events. Enjoy.

Replace the word “reaper” with “primaries”. It makes a little more sense that way. Well not much sense really. I just wanted to link the song to current events. If you want some actual information about the Labor Party and reformation (but really?) I might write an post on it at a later date. If you need your Labor fix now, why not read this short enlightening, yet slightly outdated article in the mean time?

One of the Greatest Speeches

So much respect to Chaplin here. This is amazing, eye watering, inspiring. Summing up my views beautifully, spoken wonderfully. You must listen.

Those Woisterous Bankers: Westpac

Westpac are being bastards.

Firstly let me just say I am allowed to use the word bastard. I myself am a bastard, I’ve grown up in the bastard community, having been absorbed in the distinct bastard culture since birth, some of my best friends are bastards. And so I feel justified in using this word, long since used to oppress me and my kind, on any legitimate bastard I like.

Westpac certainly has earned the title. For news has filtered in that this certain perfidious bank is cutting hundreds, and possibly thousands of employees in cost cutting measures, not only this, but is forcing their redundancy-row employees to train their new subcontinental replacements. Stinge right? Lets examine this in two bite sized chunks.

Firstly, does Westpac really need to cut costs? Perhaps I’m being a little too harsh. I must admit, my ideology and a certain listless anger at the world, probably stemming from my woeful performance in the bedroom mean I’m usually less than pleased with extreme capitalism and corporations. I will however force myself to be fair. Westpac CEO defends her own salary quite smoothly bellow by not really answering the question. Further down is my video response.

Westpac has had a bad couple of years. What with the GFC, their takeover of St. George Bank, further tightening competition in the banking sector, and their getting rid of bad debts, they only raked in a measly 6.691 billion this year after the evil government taxman stole their hard earned dollars away. With such a small profit margin it’s only natural for Westpac to cut jobs for the greater good. I mean, I can barely pay for a week’s meals with that amount of money, and I don’t feast on the platters of caviar, and Ibex liver which ensure the mental precision required to run such a successful small business as their’s.

And one can only applause, I suppose, the humanity the Westpac board is displaying by giving jobs to those unwashed heathens on the subcontinent. It’s heartening to know that even though the Empire is dead, we can still use good cheap labour from the old Raj to do the jobs that Australians don’t want to do, and apparently the ones we do want to do as well. Of course Westpac probably had the interests of the worker’s at heart here. Giving them decent wages might anger their fellow citizens, provoking violent riots. Alternatively the extra cash might fatally destabilise their robust economy, provoking a global monetary apocalypse, in which Godzilla will return, breed with Mothman and overrun the world with dragons.

Secondly, and this is the part that gained most of the media attention, the whole getting sacked employees to train their new replacements is kind of stinge. Imagine it, seriously, having to regurgitate years of knowledge, spending hours with your usurper buzzing around you like a fly, asking questions and taking notes, in full knowledge that Westpac have not only pushed you off the plank. They’re making you dig your own grave… The folks apparently don’t like it so much. I can’t imagine why.

 ”She has been shadowing me, sitting next to me and I have to teach her how to do my day-to-day job,” Westpac staffer of 15 years, Russell Siachico, told The Sunday Telegraph. “Basically sitting next to me like a sponge, sucking in as much information as possible. It’s devastating. I feel insulted and very low.”

The reason why this has caused so much outrage (well not that much outrage but still a tad of bother), is simple. Westpac is the second biggest bank in Australia, one of the Four “Big Banks” or “Pillars” in the Australian banking sector. The Big Four, that includes Westpac, are now all rated in the top twelve banks in the world, after the global economic implosion of 08. They’re raking in massive profits, yet still they see the need to cut costs and “restructure”. They’ve only sacked 188 people so far, but the plans include up to 2000 more according to the evil unions.

The fact is that this sort of behaviour is inevitable. We have a system and a culture here based on endless growth, on the continually maximisation of profits. The goal of all these CEO types is to achieve these ends. The downsizing and mechanisation of their work forces at the expense of jobs will be as much as modern technology allows, as much as is seen viable by the board and investors. It’s the nature of the (relatively) free market economy, it’s the nature of the beast. A ravenous, fickle, bloated beast left unshackled and untamed for far too long. The answer should be simple. Rise up, cut the food supply and fetch the collar.

To see source and read more check out these corporate puppets: http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/ultimate-insult-sacked-westpac-workers-forced-to-train-indian-replacements/story-e6freuy9-1226250331599

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/more-news/rubbing-salt-into-sacked-workers-wounds/story-fn7x8me2-1226250342880

http://www.newstrackindia.com/newsdetails/2012/01/22/261893-Sacked-Westpac-workers-forced-to-train-their-Indian-replacements-.html

http://www.globalpost.com/dispatches/globalpost-blogs/down-under/australian-banks-india-outsourcing-call-centers-bangalore-global-financial-crisis

http://www.westpac.com.au/docs/pdf/aw/ic/2011_Annual_Report.pdf

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Banking_in_Australia

Deployment

To Whom It May Concern

As of approximately midday Australian Eastern Daylight Savings Time I, Commandate ‘Oi’ Alvarez will be taken off passive duties and deployed to the dense jungles of Bungwahl for reconnaissance, training and other classified purposes.

Nothing fills my nascent revolutionary heart more than being at one with the wilderness and fighting alongside my eleven toed revolutionary comrades in the pursuit of peace, equality and procrastination. However these activities also mean that I may not be able to respond to communiques sent to me for an indefinite period, most likely the next few days.

The illegal occupation and repression of Bungwahl that communications are limited, and even then, are hardly secure. But do not despair, oh loyal comrades! My return will bring with it a detailed report concerning soft power projection and local foliage density that will no doubt have all of you in a state of utter rapture. But until that moment, rest assured in the knowledge that Whoopi Goldberg farted on live TV, and that the Kardashians have adopted a homeless man that has few if any teeth, and now keep him as a pet.

The Revolutions of 2011

Much of this blog is satirical, tongue in cheek and whimsical in nature, and yet I like to imbue all of my posts with some inner and somewhat serious philosophical truth. Sometimes however, as silly as I am, I like to make a serious and fundamental point about something that is occurring in the world, in a straightforward and hopefully succinct manner.

This is one of those times. I recently watched The Baader Meinhof Complex, an award winning film by Uli Edel about the Red Army Faction, a left-wing terrorist group that carved a bloody swathe across Germany in a series of brutal politcally motivated attacks from 1970 to 1998. Watching that movie has made me think a lot. Whilst it made dead certain to me the absolute moral repugnancy of much of their actions, which included bombings, assassinations and sieges, the movement that this extreme and in many cases misguided group sprang out of inspired me.

From the early sixties up until quite recently, perhaps the fall of the Soviet Union in the 90s, there seemed to be a strong, consistent anti-capitalist, anti-materialist protest movement that existed and was active across the world. It was primarily motivated by, but not excluded to, students, trade unionists and the broader left. In my opinion this was a great and noble thing. Here was a movement that went against the values of a burgeoning, and rapidly sprawling superficial society obsessed the material. That resisted the urges to merely consume, work and die, that despised the dead end 9-til-5 job, and bemoaned the yawning gap left by the waning religions, replaced in futility and desperation with material wealth and superficial greed. They called for community rather than individualism. They resisted.

A key example, perhaps the strongest, most pure illustration of the ideals expressed above was May 1968. In mid-1968 France was shut down. The students occupied the universities, citizens put up barricades in the streets and two thirds of French workers went on an independent and general wildcat strike. Here was a movement inspired by the counterculture, against conservative values, with whiffs of the surreal Situationists and hostile to the bureacratic establishment. They were neither pro-West nor pro-East, they opposed not only the church and the conservative parties, but also the main leftist organisations, including the communists, and prominent trade unions. There were independent, idealistic and proud, but went out, perhaps mercifully with a whimper rather than a bang.

But this was not only restricted to France. All across the world people protested against imperialism, inequality and consumerism, trends which seemed to spread from the West across the so-called Iron Curtain and other un-alligned states. From 1960 to 1980 the world, especially the West, was dominated by social unrest which stemmed primarily from these grievances. But now that movement seems to have faded. People seem contented with their latest gadgets, their gourmet foods, alcohol and designer clothes. Neoliberalism and the free market, fused to a varying degree with leftist tainted ideals to appease and quieten the masses, seem to have taken the fore. The resistance looks dead or castrated compared to the days of our parents and their parents, and I occasionally look back upon the world in that time, and ask myself if I was indeed born in the right decade.

But then something like the Arab Spring happens. Something like the current protests in Wall Street and before that, the union protests in Wisconsin, the anti-cut movements in London and Greece and Spain and across Western Europe. When I see my fellow youth, indeed, when I see the people of the world from all walks of life coming together in an effort to change this ridiculous society and broken immoral system I am heartened. I’m sure I don’t identify with every protester out there, from the Egyptian Islamist to the Anarchist from Greece, but the fact that people aren’t simply going to sit around in slothful apathy and take this shit is definitely heartening. The people if united, organised and motivated can achieve great things. Be inspired and fight for your freedom.

How To Start Your Own Personality Cult

So. You want to be known. You want to be loved, no, you want to be adored by the masses, for them to worship your every footstep, for them to wash and kiss your toes, perhaps even erotically. If you swing like that. Ew. You want money, you want power, you want the pleasures of a flesh and a dramatic boost in your ego, perhaps damaged by a feckless woman or tragic childhood. Well heck! I’ve got the solution for you! Generate your own Personality Cult! Pfff! You say! That’s ridiculous! And there are far too many exclamation marks in this post for the author to be anywhere nearing sanity! Well, sanity and all logic does not matter dear friend, not where personality cults are concerned. So discard these middle class virtues, and let me teach you how to be successful!

What is a Personality Cult? A personality cult, or as Wikipedia likes to call it, a “Cult of personality”, is when an individual person creates an overwhelmingly positive idyllic perspective of him or herself, through bucketloads of praise and flattery. Examples of personality cults include those happy little gophers Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Mao and a couple of Egyptian pharoahs who weren’t cats.

Kevin Rudd's Efforts to Construct a Personality Cult Worked Well at the 2007 Elections

But they’re all dictators! You shriek. Well chicken little, there’s a reason for that. Dictators are famous, and appear prominently in both Wikipedia articles and neo-Nazi forums, hence my use of them. Also, dictators, particularly the brutal kitten killing type, often need a cult of personality to keep themselves in power, and stop the masses from realising what on Earth is actually happening and sticking molten implements up certain orifices mediaeval style. Unpleasant but true.

The cult of personality however is not merely restricted to the nasty guys of history. The cousin of CoP, as it shall now be known, is hero worship, and heavily related and incestuously entwined with another rotten example of our capitalist society, the adorations of celebrities. While once you had to kill inordinate amounts of people and worm your way to the top in a bloodsoaked game of chess, the wonders of social networking and the interweb means one Youtube video can bring you similar sense of fame and adoration that 1960s Chairman Mao had in 1970s China.

So. To business. Here is my two step plan that may or may not propel you into personality cult status.

1. Obtain Media Machine.

Get some sort of system that will broadcast one-sided opinions of yourself across the target base. The target base can be your family, school, office, local electorate, nation or EVEN THE WORLD! Get a communications satellite onside and you can even begin to indoctrinate hypothetical space aliens! The message itself does not need to have much substance. It doesn’t even need to be true. Try for something emotive, something that will push people’s buttons. Like a picture of yourself holding a cute little cat on a hill of rolling grass, with captions along the lines of “OUR GREAT LEADER CARES FOR EVEN THE SMALLEST OF HIS SUBJECTS.” Make sure you do it in capitals though. Repeat the message as much as possible, with plentiful variations from a number of different angles. Look at the techniques of modern day advertising companies for extra tips.

Unlike Most Autocrats, Russian President Vladimir Putin Creates His Homo-Erotic Cult of Personality Without Outside Help

2. Become Tyrant (Optional).

Now that you’ve spread your message that’s pretty much it. If you’re as good as Goebbels at propagandering the entire world should be fawning at your feet by now. But we all know, because of Spike Milligan, that Goebbels had not testicles to speak of and was utter scum. The only additional step to take is to make sure that your version of ‘the truth’ is the only version that circulates. The quickest, most efficient and easiest way to do this, apart from provoking nuclear armaggedon and mass extinction it to become a tyrant. Simply destroy all television and radio stations, newspapers and the internet, use or do not mercy according to your own personal preference. Pass your propaganda around in pamphlet form to every household. With the target bases’ children now being brought up from birth with your view on life alone, your status as demi-god is looking more and more assured.

So, use that advice for good and evil, and when you do become Great Leader of the New World Order, please do cite this post, or at least don’t hunt down and terminate its author.