Yes We Khan

Given recent most confidential events that aren’t that confidential but fairly eventful, I need another past time to entertain my gargantuan, bloated mind. I have found several things to do but I’m yet to decide what one to pick.

1. Travel to Mongolia, find Genghis Khan and join his warband, conquering all before me. There a number of major issues to solve here. There will most likely be ideological differences between myself and the Great Khan, leading to tensions within the warband. While Mongolia was a Stalinist country throughout most of the twentieth century, leaving them somewhat open to collectivist ideals, Genghis Khan and his crew were around slightly before this. I imagine both of us will have to fight it out for control of the warband. We’d probably be shirtless, though not without pants because its quite cold in Mongolia and I’m still fairly conscious about my body. We’d fight in the snow, with all of the warriors around us, cheering their favoured contestant on, I’d be the underdog, because the underdog always wins. Apart from the raucous cheering and whatnot, there would be dead silence. An eagle would soar in the background. The warband’s Shaman, who is old and probably wounded in some way, would proclaim this an omen and there would be an silence.

A Modern Day Depiction of My Duel With Genghis

I would of course win, in a nailbiting fight, using a technique Khan tought me himself. I would stand on top of his body, and scream out in primal rage at the sky, with semi-congealed blood oozing down my masculine torso. The warriors would then bow down to my iron will, learning the ways of socialism, and creating a world utopian republic without the transitionary phases of feudalism, capitalism and state socialism dictated by the great Groucho Marx.

Another issue to resolve here would be the whole time-travel thing. Genghis died over 800 years ago I think. I’d also need to get to Mongolia, which means I’d need money for air fares, but I’d obtain those via cake sales and craft stalls. If anyone asked me what the money was for I would have to lie. Animal welfare always brings on a few dollars.

There were a few more ideas, but bugger it. This one is foolproof. You can give me feedback if you want, but I’ve already made my mind up. The posters are being photoshopped, the cakes are in the oven and I’ve bought a time machine over the internet from a kindly Spaniard for a bargain price. Yeah, just don’t bother giving feedback at all. Like the inexorable Sting, “You know my mind is made up, so put away your make up” If this post is written in Mongolian, you’ll have known that I suceeded.

I Feel Like A Musical…

A few days ago it was my birthday

(Yay! Happy Birthday Paco! Thank you! Your welcome! Do you want to hang out? Sure! Are you interested in Byzantine Neo-Classic Architecture? Am I ever! Maybe we can organise a day where we can take a few books out to the park and you can bring the packed lunch-)

As I was I saying, it was my birthday a few days ago, and my beloved progenitors gave me a Pink Floyd double CD. Progenitors is a fancy word for parents. I use this word because it makes me sound intelligent, and because it also sounds like a character from Transformers. I think it would be a robot that could turn into a tank…

Yes, I got a Pink Floyd double CD, named The Wall. I really like it. I put it on and ate heaps of chocolate and then watched the Dragons win the Premiership. I did this because I am quite masculine and enjoy watching and playing sport. I am also a Dragons supporter. It was glorious! The first time I had EVER seen the Dragons win a premiership, and convincingly too! We smashed those Roosters to a pulp! We charcoaled their foul bodies! That there was a pun. A pun is a play on words. Foul, meaning awful and disgusting is a homonym of the word fowl, which is the word for a type of small ground bird. This implies a humorous connotation. The same thing applies to paltry/poultry another avian-detractive characteristic pun which can be used in similar circumstances.

So The Wall. Yeah. The Wall was really good, but I got listening really intently right at the end of the second disc. Here there are two tracks. Waiting For The Worm, a cool track about how fascists are evil, and The Trial. The Trial is an entirely different track. Its quite different from the rest of the disc. Stylistically and lyrically its like a musical, and as I was singing, I realised, how I love musicals…

I want to create a musical, an epic sounding, epic looking epic. Here are my ideas.

1. Stalin comes back from the dead as Llama. I will call it Llama-Stalin: A Ballad of the Andes. Llama Stalin is born in the mountains of Peru on a Llama farm outside Cuzco. He soon works out that he and his fellow Llamas are being exploited rather inefficiently and unequally. He vows to make an end to this, and to exploit efficiently and equally all of his dromedarian brethren. After a brief Revolution and civil war, Llama-Stalin takes control, fashioning a moustache from a broom-head, and becomes a brutal animalistic despot. This plot has nothing to do with that of George Orwell’s Animal Farm, which I recently read. This one’s about Llamas. Are their any Llamas in Animal Farm? No.

Llama Stalin's Second-in-Command, Lloyd, Toils in the Brutal Rock Mines.

2. Scotland in Space. A small Scottish town is transported into the darkness of the void. The air dissapates and everyone dies.

3. Satan Wears A Tie. No I’m not stating the well known fact that the Great Deciever is a smart dresser. My story will take place in the near future, when the CEO of a large banking firm is possessed by the Devil. It will detail his angst and personal trials as he struggles to get rid of the diabolic presence in his mind, and avoid repaying the Government’s bailout loans. Finally Satan will win, creating a massive Trans-national business corporation. No discernible differences in company policy will be noticed.

4. Count Von Burgenberger. A story about a small German count who possesses a large plot of land outside of Wiesbaden. It will detail his journey across England, from Southampton to the Orkney’s Island. A kindly old gentlemen with a stutter and a little puppy named Schnappi, the twist in the tale really occurs when the Count detonates a nuclear device in London and sabotages the Home Fleet at Scapa Flow for the “Greater German Reich” and sadistically tortures a field mouse to the brink of insanity.

5. Full Marx. A troubled student at Hyacinth Marlborow High, a small school in suburban Melbourne, finds self-discipline and a free source of facial hair, when a mysterious substitute Carl Marks appears.  Karl Marx Carl Marks teaches Marty Schuker about the gloriousness of Communism and the Soviet way. Using Carl Marks’ teachings Marty Schuker confronts bullies, teachers and the Bulgarian Mafia in a heart-warming story of Fidelity and revolution. At the end Marty leads a popular revolt, and installs himself as first citizen of the school, killing off Marks, all the teachers, and any of his comrades deemed revisionist in a series of bloody purges.

Any other ideas? No probably not. They’re pretty awesome. If you can think of any (I doubt it though) then tell me so I can steal them. After all my friends, that’s how Facebook was created.