Mongoose Farming

In earlier posts I have mentioned mongoose farming, and I must admit, like many people, I share an healthy non-obsessive respect for the strange creature called the mongoose, and indeed, am considering farming them. These are my reasons:

1. I looked up ‘mongoose’ in Google and the link was purple like I’d clicked on it already. I don’t remember clicking it. I think there is a mongoose hiding in my computer, Its name is probably Beavis and it mostly likely comes from Bangladesh (It has a foreign accent). It enjoys watching Hogan’s Heroes and constructing model trains. I’d better get some more mongooses so that it doesn’t get lonely, otherwise it might get bored and start playing with my stuff, and making viruses. Mongooses are mammals. Mammals can carry rabies. I don’t want rabies.

2. Mongooses look like Weasels. Weasels have sharp teeth and eat things. Therefore mongooses are probably alike. If you put a Weasel and a mongoose in a bag and they got off on the wrong foot and started to fight I wonder who would win? I think the mongoose because mongooses eat Snakes and live near the equator. The Weasel lives in England. I rest my case. This just goes to show how important first impressions are I guess.

A Mongoose

Corporal Frederick Hamsworth Jr on Training Exercises in the Middle East

3. Frederick would be a good name for a mongoose.

4. If I make a country I’ll need agriculture. All major countries have agriculture. Even the Vatican grows guilt and 15th Century opinions. I don’t know what I’ll do with the mongooses when I grow them. I don’t know if I’ll have the inner strength to kill them myself, and I don’t want to pass the buck to someone else. Sub-contracting is capitalist. Mongoose fur is really tough. Snakes can’t bite through mongoose fur. We could make a whole suit out of mongoose fur, and then put someone in a pit full of snakes, and watch the snakes try and bite them. But the person would be OK because mongoose fur is really tough. I don’t know how mongoose flesh tastes like. Probably chicken. Everything tastes like chicken. That’s one thing popular culture has taught me. Also, mongooses eat snakes, and snakes taste like chicken, so the chickeny taste probably gets passed on.

5. If any one tries to attack me I can keep my mongooses in a cardboard box which I tug along with string. If someone pays me out, or if they try to fight me I can say “Argh! Were you expecting a HORDE OF MONGOOSES to appear? Coz I was!” And then I’d open the box and a heard of mongooses would pour out like locusts and devour the person. But I don’t want to kill them, just scare them slightly, so I’ll teach them a codeword in Sanskrit (The mongooses speak Sanskrit) and then they’ll stop and return to the box.

So do any of you know where I can get my hands on a few dozen mongooses? I’d go to India and catch them myself, but I don’t want any buildings to fall on me without warning.

Making A Country

I’m thinking about creating my own country.

I’ve given it a lot of thought. I’ve layed out my plans. All I need is a spark of vague enthusiasm begin. On the distant chance that you might be interested in this development I’ve decided to write up about it. Here it is:

I was talking, as I do, with my local community, as I do, on a Wednesday, as I do, about the interventionist polices of the United States, the non-existent merits of global capitalism and the rise of Cornwall, when it suddenly hit me. Everything’s a little shite. Every country is arranged shitely. I’d better create my own one.

I promptly formed a seven man Council of Twelve and formed a plan. A well thought out plan, over pastry like fingers and flavoured milk. Once the refreshments were finished, it went something like this:

1. Locate a chunk of vacant Crown Land, that is land owned by the government. The UN says you have to have a bit of land. What do they know? Preferably the site will have access to the ocean and/or waterway, with arable land for oregano plantations and mongoose farms. I like mongooses. I want to own a mongoose but I’m renting and I’m going to move anyway because they’re going to put up the rent, but that’s OK because I was going to leave before they were going to put the rent up, which means its an incentive leave quicker which is OK. Capitalism is bad.

2. Occupy said land. One man of my Council of Twelve said that you’ve got to control a bit of land for a certain amount of time. I believe him. So what we’re planning to do is ring the land with people holding sticks, meaning that we’re controlling the land in a sense without justification for the police to arrest us. I don’t want to be arrested. My vegetable garden will go wild and I’m scared it will engulf my house and I won’t be able to find it when I come back from gaol.

Hail the Fish Riders

Like Nationalist China, Our New Country's Most Prized Athletes Will be Fish Riders

3. Name land and build capital. We’ll make a committee to name our country. There’s about 200 names we can’t use, but some might not have copyright thingies on them so we could use them if we wanted to. But we’ll solve that issue when it comes. Don’t worry. We’ll also build a capital. It will probably be a tent at first. And then a slightly more elaborate tent. We’ll hold our parliament in a tent. Then like Saudi Arabia, our politics will be IN-TENTS! Get it. That was a pun and also slightly racist. Sorry.

4. Hold elections and make a parliament. We won’t be a dictatorship like Narnia we’ll be democratic. Because democracy is cool. Yeah. We’ll hold an election, on a Sunday, because our citizens are doing stuff on Saturdays and holding an election then would be inconvenient. Did I say that we were holding our parliament in a tent? Yeah I did.

5. Email the UN. We are going to the UN once we’ve got a country. We’ll send them a polite email at first, and then an annoying one, and then a threatening one, and then just spam. Hopefully they’ll reply to us and acknowledge we are a real country. Just like Pinocchio was a real boy. Except that our country isn’t made of wood or a puppet. The US is a puppet of its corporatist masters and corrupt to the core. The US is Pinocchio! The US isn’t a real country!

6. Um… After we’ve got recognition from the UN we’ll probably do country like stuff. Yeah.

So that’s our plan. We’re going to set it up one day, and the red flag will fly in the Great Lakes! As soon as we get enough enthusiasm. And not in exam time. And not while there’s anything good on TV. Eventually.

Reforming

After a long period of absence I have decided to reform the Red Herring Online. This decision, on a whim, was not justified by any reason. It doesn’t have to be. Not at all.

My extremely high level of intellectual intelligence meant that I got kind of bored about running for the election. Which means it never happened. Your eyes are lying. Look away.

I’ll be writing some more stuff up here soon, full of wit, genius and side-splitting humour. Or not.