Making A Country

I’m thinking about creating my own country.

I’ve given it a lot of thought. I’ve layed out my plans. All I need is a spark of vague enthusiasm begin. On the distant chance that you might be interested in this development I’ve decided to write up about it. Here it is:

I was talking, as I do, with my local community, as I do, on a Wednesday, as I do, about the interventionist polices of the United States, the non-existent merits of global capitalism and the rise of Cornwall, when it suddenly hit me. Everything’s a little shite. Every country is arranged shitely. I’d better create my own one.

I promptly formed a seven man Council of Twelve and formed a plan. A well thought out plan, over pastry like fingers and flavoured milk. Once the refreshments were finished, it went something like this:

1. Locate a chunk of vacant Crown Land, that is land owned by the government. The UN says you have to have a bit of land. What do they know? Preferably the site will have access to the ocean and/or waterway, with arable land for oregano plantations and mongoose farms. I like mongooses. I want to own a mongoose but I’m renting and I’m going to move anyway because they’re going to put up the rent, but that’s OK because I was going to leave before they were going to put the rent up, which means its an incentive leave quicker which is OK. Capitalism is bad.

2. Occupy said land. One man of my Council of Twelve said that you’ve got to control a bit of land for a certain amount of time. I believe him. So what we’re planning to do is ring the land with people holding sticks, meaning that we’re controlling the land in a sense without justification for the police to arrest us. I don’t want to be arrested. My vegetable garden will go wild and I’m scared it will engulf my house and I won’t be able to find it when I come back from gaol.

Hail the Fish Riders

Like Nationalist China, Our New Country's Most Prized Athletes Will be Fish Riders

3. Name land and build capital. We’ll make a committee to name our country. There’s about 200 names we can’t use, but some might not have copyright thingies on them so we could use them if we wanted to. But we’ll solve that issue when it comes. Don’t worry. We’ll also build a capital. It will probably be a tent at first. And then a slightly more elaborate tent. We’ll hold our parliament in a tent. Then like Saudi Arabia, our politics will be IN-TENTS! Get it. That was a pun and also slightly racist. Sorry.

4. Hold elections and make a parliament. We won’t be a dictatorship like Narnia we’ll be democratic. Because democracy is cool. Yeah. We’ll hold an election, on a Sunday, because our citizens are doing stuff on Saturdays and holding an election then would be inconvenient. Did I say that we were holding our parliament in a tent? Yeah I did.

5. Email the UN. We are going to the UN once we’ve got a country. We’ll send them a polite email at first, and then an annoying one, and then a threatening one, and then just spam. Hopefully they’ll reply to us and acknowledge we are a real country. Just like Pinocchio was a real boy. Except that our country isn’t made of wood or a puppet. The US is a puppet of its corporatist masters and corrupt to the core. The US is Pinocchio! The US isn’t a real country!

6. Um… After we’ve got recognition from the UN we’ll probably do country like stuff. Yeah.

So that’s our plan. We’re going to set it up one day, and the red flag will fly in the Great Lakes! As soon as we get enough enthusiasm. And not in exam time. And not while there’s anything good on TV. Eventually.


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