In earlier posts I have mentioned mongoose farming, and I must admit, like many people, I share an healthy non-obsessive respect for the strange creature called the mongoose, and indeed, am considering farming them. These are my reasons:
1. I looked up ‘mongoose’ in Google and the link was purple like I’d clicked on it already. I don’t remember clicking it. I think there is a mongoose hiding in my computer, Its name is probably Beavis and it mostly likely comes from Bangladesh (It has a foreign accent). It enjoys watching Hogan’s Heroes and constructing model trains. I’d better get some more mongooses so that it doesn’t get lonely, otherwise it might get bored and start playing with my stuff, and making viruses. Mongooses are mammals. Mammals can carry rabies. I don’t want rabies.
2. Mongooses look like Weasels. Weasels have sharp teeth and eat things. Therefore mongooses are probably alike. If you put a Weasel and a mongoose in a bag and they got off on the wrong foot and started to fight I wonder who would win? I think the mongoose because mongooses eat Snakes and live near the equator. The Weasel lives in England. I rest my case. This just goes to show how important first impressions are I guess.
3. Frederick would be a good name for a mongoose.
4. If I make a country I’ll need agriculture. All major countries have agriculture. Even the Vatican grows guilt and 15th Century opinions. I don’t know what I’ll do with the mongooses when I grow them. I don’t know if I’ll have the inner strength to kill them myself, and I don’t want to pass the buck to someone else. Sub-contracting is capitalist. Mongoose fur is really tough. Snakes can’t bite through mongoose fur. We could make a whole suit out of mongoose fur, and then put someone in a pit full of snakes, and watch the snakes try and bite them. But the person would be OK because mongoose fur is really tough. I don’t know how mongoose flesh tastes like. Probably chicken. Everything tastes like chicken. That’s one thing popular culture has taught me. Also, mongooses eat snakes, and snakes taste like chicken, so the chickeny taste probably gets passed on.
5. If any one tries to attack me I can keep my mongooses in a cardboard box which I tug along with string. If someone pays me out, or if they try to fight me I can say “Argh! Were you expecting a HORDE OF MONGOOSES to appear? Coz I was!” And then I’d open the box and a heard of mongooses would pour out like locusts and devour the person. But I don’t want to kill them, just scare them slightly, so I’ll teach them a codeword in Sanskrit (The mongooses speak Sanskrit) and then they’ll stop and return to the box.
So do any of you know where I can get my hands on a few dozen mongooses? I’d go to India and catch them myself, but I don’t want any buildings to fall on me without warning.