Hands up who has heard of Bungwahl? And should we explore the idea of socialism in it’s humbled groves?
That was a silly thing to say. I’m sorry. Despite the special powers outlined in previous posts, and my uncanny ability to navigate through rural towns in the early morning, I cannot see your hands. Perhaps if you scanned one of your hands and uploaded the jpeg to a Wikipedia article about a Virgin Islands basketball player I would be able to gauge an accurate answer to this question/directive. But like the social benefits of unregulated capitalism and polyester, this is immaterial.
Bungwahl is a town within our beloved and glorious Great Lakes region of NSW. It is within the area of land that rightfully belongs to our free democratic association of socialists, and therefore is of some interest to us. Much like a boil or wart on the sole of one’s foot, which you attempt to ignore, but occasionally become aware of when climbing a specific incline, or inspect one’s toes for tinea, fluff or sudden and unexpected inbreeding.
Like a boil or wart, Bungwahl is small, sweaty, forested and has reputation for inbreeding.
According to some interweb people with a website and that, Bungwahl has a population of 211. However, I know someone who lives there, and he says there’s “like seven people here”, and since I know all of those seven people fairly well, I’m more likely to believe him, then a cabal of dodgy mustachioed, fez-wearing, wine-skulling foreigners on the internet who are probably overly fond of mice and collect model planes. Model planes are irritating. I once watched a movie with a German in it and a plane that crashed in the desert. The German said he built planes, so everyone was like “Cool! Rebuild the plane!” and he was like “Ja. OK.” But then in the end he turned out to have only built model planes, so a fat English guy got angry with him, and someone drank all the water. Irritating right?
Germans and rucksacks aside, I visited Bungwahl recently for some fraternal socialist communion. Not religious though. Religion is the opiate of the masses, says Marx, and he had a beard and his dad was a Jew, so he’d probably know better. Anyway, when I went there, after unloading some Polish furniture and walking up a long steep driveway with the smell of numbat in my nostrils, I noticed there was water in a ditch by the road. There was also a dog in the water. This has several key impacts on revolutionary policy. Water means that there is mosquitos and that means malaria. The forces of capitalism would never dream of searching for us in a malaria ridden hole like Bungwahl. Also the added threat of numerous, perhaps plentiful dogs means that aerial reconnaisance is out of the question. Dogs are also known to guard against most forms of malaria, and their happy-go-lucky attitude and willingness to learn will make them good socialists, and better bakers.
Bungwahl is also much endowed with trees and green things like uranium. That was a lie. There’s no uranium in Bungwahl that I know of, there’s far more simple and unsettling ways to explain the prevalence of extra limbs, toes, fingers and organs amidst the local population. That will be explained further on. Luckily the whole tree thing is being fixed with chainsaws and whatnot, and the government says that all this leafy nonsense will be over and done with fairly soon. That’s also a lie. I’m saying a lot of them now. I just ate a Monte Carlo biscuit, and as we all know the Count of Monte Cristo was a notorious lier. Need I say anymore? That said, there is some logging underway, and we all know how animals like wombats, bears, dolphins and Greenies hate logging. We could draw a local militia from the disgruntled forest folk, and reach out to the no doubt disgruntled and oppressed loggers, gruntling them together into a mighty force for good. We can use the trees or, depending how long it takes to convert the loggers, stumps to hide in from the capitalists. We can use the dogs to climb the trees and act as lookouts.
Inbreeding however is double edged spoon, and like a splade, fickle and cynical to the ways of the world. The extra digits of the local folk might mean their ability to handle peaceful revolutionary weapons of virtuous lethality would be hampered, their low IQ and high birth rate, does however counteract this. The inbreds, due to their smell, unsavoury appearance and awkward culinary habits are ostracised by our bigoted society, this combined with the promise of fresh meat should see them flock to our banner. Once our doctrine has been memorised by rote, they will make good albeit somewhat rigid socialists. The lack of morals, contraceptives, and things to do in Bungwahl means the birth rate is relatively high, allowing our armies to be replenished with ease and speed.
Unfortunately, I’ve never actually seen an inbred in Bungwahl, and most of my ideas about recruiting them come from a movie about inbred hillbillies that go crazy and kill people in America. The plot was implausible and I found it made light of certain socio-economic problems and social issues in the Appalachians that should be confronted in a more serious manner.
Be that as it may, I have made up my mind, as have you and the Grand Council. Efforts in Bungwahl will redoubled and tens of dollars of funds poured into a number of dog training and jazz piano programs. The red flag will fly over Bungwahl within an indefinite period of time, and become a bastion of our ideology, and haven for the eleven (or twelve) toed peoples of the world.