Given recent most confidential events that aren’t that confidential but fairly eventful, I need another past time to entertain my gargantuan, bloated mind. I have found several things to do but I’m yet to decide what one to pick.
1. Travel to Mongolia, find Genghis Khan and join his warband, conquering all before me. There a number of major issues to solve here. There will most likely be ideological differences between myself and the Great Khan, leading to tensions within the warband. While Mongolia was a Stalinist country throughout most of the twentieth century, leaving them somewhat open to collectivist ideals, Genghis Khan and his crew were around slightly before this. I imagine both of us will have to fight it out for control of the warband. We’d probably be shirtless, though not without pants because its quite cold in Mongolia and I’m still fairly conscious about my body. We’d fight in the snow, with all of the warriors around us, cheering their favoured contestant on, I’d be the underdog, because the underdog always wins. Apart from the raucous cheering and whatnot, there would be dead silence. An eagle would soar in the background. The warband’s Shaman, who is old and probably wounded in some way, would proclaim this an omen and there would be an silence.
I would of course win, in a nailbiting fight, using a technique Khan tought me himself. I would stand on top of his body, and scream out in primal rage at the sky, with semi-congealed blood oozing down my masculine torso. The warriors would then bow down to my iron will, learning the ways of socialism, and creating a world utopian republic without the transitionary phases of feudalism, capitalism and state socialism dictated by the great Groucho Marx.
Another issue to resolve here would be the whole time-travel thing. Genghis died over 800 years ago I think. I’d also need to get to Mongolia, which means I’d need money for air fares, but I’d obtain those via cake sales and craft stalls. If anyone asked me what the money was for I would have to lie. Animal welfare always brings on a few dollars.
There were a few more ideas, but bugger it. This one is foolproof. You can give me feedback if you want, but I’ve already made my mind up. The posters are being photoshopped, the cakes are in the oven and I’ve bought a time machine over the internet from a kindly Spaniard for a bargain price. Yeah, just don’t bother giving feedback at all. Like the inexorable Sting, “You know my mind is made up, so put away your make up” If this post is written in Mongolian, you’ll have known that I suceeded.