Aliens: Lurking Tentacled Menace or Potential Dole Bludgers?

A recent essay has caught my attention. I say this in a very precise an intellectual fashion, in a way that highlights the fact that I read essays often, especially the dull and text heavy door-stop type that we all love to browse through on lonely Sunday afternoons or when bouts of constipation arrive. This is of course wrong. I haven’t got the attention span to read essays, I barely have the self-discipline to write them, a problematic disease, as I’m currently doing my HSC, where writing essays is required.

Nevertheless, I came across an essay on line. It was about aliens. It was semi-interesting. Apparently those boffins, who are most likely balding, wearing white coats, thick-rimmed glasses and of Central European extraction have been contemplating our relationships with ETIs. For all you spunky noobs out there who haven’t got my uncanny grasp of deciphering acronyms, that means Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence. Apparently, when looking back on native people’s experiences with powerful, foreign and advanced civilisations, especially in the New World, they’ve come to the conclusion that “First Contact” may not be all flashing lights, bad synth and flying bicycles. It may actually involve disease, genocide and cultural assimilation. Compare ET to Independence Day.

Naked Peeps, Diagrams and Squiggly Lines

The Pioneer Plaque: An Open Hand of Friendship? An Act of Foolish Naivety? Or Soft Porn?

There are three groups of outcomes. Positive, neutral and negative.

Positive: They share the benefits of technology with us, open our minds up to new ideas, and we go off, hand in grey skinned hand into a bright future of love, tolerance and sustainability. Beautiful.

Neutral: They pop in to say hi, or give us the equivalent of an interplanetary “whats doin?”. Wow, we declare, aliens! Who’d a thunk it. Life goes on as normal. They may also become a mild nuisance, spamming our airwaves, or sticking around a la District 9, bloodsucking off our bloated socialist welfare systems and contributing to violent crime and culture degeneration. They could also steal our jobs. Damn foreigners.

Negative: They drop by, with nice intentions, then accidentally release lethal microbes that wipe out all sentient life. Whoops. The other scenario being that they see us as a threat and commit planetary genocide in a brutal war a la Independence Day or War of the Worlds (French and Italics are so chic aren’t they?). They might also decide to hunt us for shits and gigs, making our planet a game reserve, or farm us for a new range of exotic meat snackbars. Mmm… Get some human in you!

So, as organisations like SETI and NASA broadcast information concerning our anatomy, biology, systems of government and languages into the void in high detail, please wonder, though not for too long, what harm that information could do if it fell into the wrong tentacles.

Read the Essay in PDF form here:

Нападение России спам!

Lately I have been experiencing a strange phenomenon.

Self evidently I have not developed legendary intelligence after seeing a flashing light over a field of celery in Western Kansas. It’s not a major crop there, and since I have a healthy distaste for that particular vegetable, I doubt I’d ever travel halfway across the world to have my nostrils filled with innocuous stuff.

I also am not undergoing a late onset of puberty. As a masculine fellow I developed quite early, with the first sprouts of…

Anyway, the phenomenon that I do speak of is of course Russian Spam, or as I like to call it: “Нападение России спам!” Over the past week or two, my post on mongooses has been recieving copious amounts of spam from Russian websites. These hail from websites advocating interior decorating, second hand books, cars and essay writing.

Processed Russian Spam With Accompanying Pistol

Mmm... Tastes Like Communism

I am a socialist. If you haven’t noticed this you may be slightly inept. Lovely word, inept. Yes, I am a socialist and so I do not approve of advertisements. It’s not so much by reason, more innate nature that I disapprove, with the same blind and unquestioning disaproval that a devout, yet not obnoxious, Catholic bears towards “the gays”.

This instinct soon collides with another. Whilst I am a socialist, I am not authoritarian, like Stalin, Hoxha (Pronounced Hodger, yeah I know, it’s Albanian) and that psychedelic hellcat Chairman Meow. I am libertarian. My political compass result rated me as “Pot-smoking idealist”, and whilst I’ve never been that into pottery before I imagine it’s far from ideal for your health. I believe in freedom of speech, and I use it profusely, like a bear uses pepper spray in a lemur colony, and so I am made uneasy.

Finally I came to a compromise by using my third and most powerful force. Irony! All spam that is creative enough will be published, and will be replied to. Links and searchable names will be omitted, whilst the majority of the incoherent and bewildering text, translated into Anglisky, will be able to read and enjoyed by the glorious revolutionary masses.

This decree is now law and will not be countermanded. Much.