How To Start Your Own Personality Cult

So. You want to be known. You want to be loved, no, you want to be adored by the masses, for them to worship your every footstep, for them to wash and kiss your toes, perhaps even erotically. If you swing like that. Ew. You want money, you want power, you want the pleasures of a flesh and a dramatic boost in your ego, perhaps damaged by a feckless woman or tragic childhood. Well heck! I’ve got the solution for you! Generate your own Personality Cult! Pfff! You say! That’s ridiculous! And there are far too many exclamation marks in this post for the author to be anywhere nearing sanity! Well, sanity and all logic does not matter dear friend, not where personality cults are concerned. So discard these middle class virtues, and let me teach you how to be successful!

What is a Personality Cult? A personality cult, or as Wikipedia likes to call it, a “Cult of personality”, is when an individual person creates an overwhelmingly positive idyllic perspective of him or herself, through bucketloads of praise and flattery. Examples of personality cults include those happy little gophers Stalin, Hitler, Pol Pot, Mao and a couple of Egyptian pharoahs who weren’t cats.

Rudd Is Held Aloft By Proletarian Masses

Kevin Rudd's Efforts to Construct a Personality Cult Worked Well at the 2007 Elections

But they’re all dictators! You shriek. Well chicken little, there’s a reason for that. Dictators are famous, and appear prominently in both Wikipedia articles and neo-Nazi forums, hence my use of them. Also, dictators, particularly the brutal kitten killing type, often need a cult of personality to keep themselves in power, and stop the masses from realising what on Earth is actually happening and sticking molten implements up certain orifices mediaeval style. Unpleasant but true.

The cult of personality however is not merely restricted to the nasty guys of history. The cousin of CoP, as it shall now be known, is hero worship, and heavily related and incestuously entwined with another rotten example of our capitalist society, the adorations of celebrities. While once you had to kill inordinate amounts of people and worm your way to the top in a bloodsoaked game of chess, the wonders of social networking and the interweb means one Youtube video can bring you similar sense of fame and adoration that 1960s Chairman Mao had in 1970s China.

So. To business. Here is my two step plan that may or may not propel you into personality cult status.

1. Obtain Media Machine.

Get some sort of system that will broadcast one-sided opinions of yourself across the target base. The target base can be your family, school, office, local electorate, nation or EVEN THE WORLD! Get a communications satellite onside and you can even begin to indoctrinate hypothetical space aliens! The message itself does not need to have much substance. It doesn’t even need to be true. Try for something emotive, something that will push people’s buttons. Like a picture of yourself holding a cute little cat on a hill of rolling grass, with captions along the lines of “OUR GREAT LEADER CARES FOR EVEN THE SMALLEST OF HIS SUBJECTS.” Make sure you do it in capitals though. Repeat the message as much as possible, with plentiful variations from a number of different angles. Look at the techniques of modern day advertising companies for extra tips.

Putin Stalks Bare-chested Through The Steppe

Unlike Most Autocrats, Russian President Vladimir Putin Creates His Homo-Erotic Cult of Personality Without Outside Help

2. Become Tyrant (Optional).

Now that you’ve spread your message that’s pretty much it. If you’re as good as Goebbels at propagandering the entire world should be fawning at your feet by now. But we all know, because of Spike Milligan, that Goebbels had not testicles to speak of and was utter scum. The only additional step to take is to make sure that your version of ‘the truth’ is the only version that circulates. The quickest, most efficient and easiest way to do this, apart from provoking nuclear armaggedon and mass extinction it to become a tyrant. Simply destroy all television and radio stations, newspapers and the internet, use or do not mercy according to your own personal preference. Pass your propaganda around in pamphlet form to every household. With the target bases’ children now being brought up from birth with your view on life alone, your status as demi-god is looking more and more assured.

So, use that advice for good and evil, and when you do become Great Leader of the New World Order, please do cite this post, or at least don’t hunt down and terminate its author.

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6 thoughts on “How To Start Your Own Personality Cult

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