A few of you might have heard of the Tea Party Movement in America. They want to restore traditional American values, those bygone paradigms, written into the Bill of Rights, like a right to own your own personal rocket launcher, fundamentalist Christianity, Islamophobia and a foreign policy based on the Book of Revelations. The Tea Party were named like this because of a momentous occasion in America’s early history, where a group of patriots dressed as (IRONY WARNING!) Indians poured a bunch of tea into Boston harbour. Presumedly, like most Americans, they prefered coffee.
But in far off Boruslavia, the Tea Party’s meteoric and lulfilled rise to prominence has been emulated by another group. These people are the Vodka party, an increasingly powerful player in Boruslav politics, tipped to gain the rural seat of Ostrockzawierz in the upcoming election. This is their story…
- A Vodka Kalashnikov: The Vodka Party Philosophy Made Manifest. One of the VP’s Chief Election Promises Is the Legalisation of These Harmless Educational Tools to All Boruslav Children.
The Vodka Party of Boruslavia was founded in late 2010 by Dmitry Zlokgohzvik, a 1989 Eurovision song contest hopeful and convicted sex offender, although to his credit, the goat however was both an adult and consenting. “Zlokgo” as his adoring fans heckle him, is a devout Christian of the Boruslav Ultra-Orthodox Church, which many Christians see as heretical, for it’s belief that Jesus was a Slav, gypsies are the devil’s people, and that God gave all goats, sheep and ducks the abilities to change their shape and communicate telepathically.
Zlokgo wants a return to the values of old Boruslavia, where men were drunks, women were whores, and children were drunks as well. He wants to do away with political correctness, Russians, traffic lights, gypsies and most large rocks. He considers the electoral process a waste of time, time that can be better spent drinking, whoring, blessing houses against gypsy attack, or all of the above simultaneously.
A madman, you cry! Well, all of you are soft, coffee sipping Western scum if you can’t see hidden somewhere the truth behind Zlokgo and his party! For he is appealing to all Boruslavs, young and old, drunk and tipsy, male and older male, with his platforms of alcoholism, dictatorship and persecution of minorities. Some foreign policy analysts within Boruslavia predict that Zlokgo will be the country’s next Stalin, bringing freedom, truth and economic miracles to all of the nation’s peoples. And gruesome death to any minority groups unfortunate enough to be extant after his inevitable election to office.
Here is the Main Street of Boruslav's Capital Borschtgrad. Notice the Boruslav Flag Flying Proudly Over the Parliament Building.
In 1889, on a cold and windswept day in the Baltic port of Jakovecik one of the most climactic, crucial and least known events in Boruslavia’s history occured. It was on a Sunday, and the Russian freighter Bigsky Freightersky Maksimilovich was unloading cask upon cask of cheap Latvian vodka onto the wharves, when young entrepeneur and town drunkard Petr Stanislavski was hit by a most curious thought.
The Russians had been oppressing the Boruslavs for centuries, capitalising on their ignorance, inbreeding and alcoholism. A mountain in Australia, Mount Slok, had been named after one of Boruslavia’s most famous freedom fighters. If that wasn’t significant, what was? But with the tyranny of the Russians, and the ever present and hopelessly insane Germans lingering around nearby, Boruslavia had remained under the Tsar’s unsteady heel.
Petr knew all of this, he understood all of the reasons, but when he saw all that cheap Latvian vodka being rolled out on to the docks, vodka that would corrupt their youth and bring profit only to the Russians, the true meaning of tyranny finally hit him. Boruslavia would never be free until it could make its own decisions, until it could corrupt its own children with its own alchohol! And so Petr got together with a group of friends and decided to take action. Their names would be immortalised in history, and known by every true Boruslav for weeks to come.
In the darkness of midday, Ivan Kosnovov, Mikhail Gestrova, Bor Solidarity and three others climbed aboard the Russian freighter dressed as gypsies. The rationale was simple and effective. Who would dare discriminate against the virtuous and perpetually lauded gypsies? Who would dare question their presence around a busy wharf handling alchohol. This assertion, made in a tavern under the influence of plum brandy and sleep deprivation would prove false. The seventeen fair patriots were spat upon and heckled as they travelled the streets, and arrested and beaten as soon as they reached the docks. They were stripped naked and left on the outskirts of town by Russian authorities.
The next day they returned to the docks, and found that the Russian freighter was still stationary, and with half its cargo still aboard. The going had been slow, as the stevedores unloading had accidentally broken a cask, and refusing to let the alcohol go to waste, began to consume it, and any other casks nearby, that could have been contaminated with splinters. Petr and his gang took their chance and ran aboard the freighter. Immediately they began to drink the vodka.
Stanislavksi's Dying Wish Was To be Dismembered and Ferried Around on a Boat for all Eternity. Unfortunately his Relatives Sold his Body for Alcohol and So a Statue Was Made From Melted down Gypy Gold Instead
And there they would have stayed if not for Petr’s fortitude. Halfway through his third cupped-handful of vodka he spat on to the deck, and raised his arms. He proclaimed the vodka “horsepiss” and urged all his fellow Boruslavs to cast the casks off the side. Reluctantly they followed Petr’s orders, for wasting grog, unlike rape, was a captial offence in Boruslavia at the time. But he was after all their favourite cousin. In a stroke of genius however, the patriots donned their gypsy gear, and began their wicked work.
Ever since then, the story has been told countless times, twisted, bent and relaxed, shaken like a crumpled foreskin by the rigorous and collectivised Boruslav rumour mill. Another unforseen consequence is the particularly strong anti-Gypsy sentiment existing in Boruslavia today, setting it at odds with most of Eastern Europe.
With the far-right Democratic Freedom Alliance falling into a backwards slump following leading light Simo Simovich’s alleged homosexuality, and the newly reformed Communist Party of Boats and Hos failing to appeal to a folk-dance obsessed younger generation, the Vodka Party is looking a good chance in the upcoming parliamentary elections. The ruling party, the pro-Western and free market Coca-Cola Amatil McDonalds Emirates Party of California Freedom Apple Pie and John Wayne, is deeply unpopular. This is primarily due to its sell off of the police force and law systems to Japanese Telcom congolmerate, Moshi-Moshi, and it’s consistently bad tastes in music. The big clincher however are the damaging allegations that a junior staffer of the Sports and Recreation Minister’s maternal fifth cousin, twice removed, was cursed by a half-gypsy.
Would you Trust this Kindly Old Woman? No! She is in Fact a Gypsy!
But the most telling and perhaps obvious sign of the Vodka Party’s success is its name. It contains in it the words “Vodka” and Party”. And if the grand council votes in favour of a recent proposal to introduce the words “goat-friendly and “Russian-gypsy hating” into the party title, they will be almost assured of an electoral victory.