We should be more like Vikings.
Vikings were a group of travelling salesman who plied the North Sea waves from the 1960s to early 70s, broadcasting rock music to Yorkshire’s revolutionary youth. Vikings were also aggressive Scandinavian fellows who followed Deng Xiaopang’s Three Point Plan of looting, pillaging, and raping the entire continent of Europe for up to several centuries. Typical communists. There are six important things you should know about Vikings.
1. They had beards. This is the most important thing you should know. If you ever see a Viking without a beard he is not a Viking. He is at best a Pirate and probably a Gypsy. We all know Gypsies should not be trusted. We know this because the letter ‘J’ has always been associated with trickery and tomfoolery. Jordan is a key example of this. It can be either a country or a person. How devious.
Beards are highly important. They are symbols of a rapidly diminishing masculinity in our sad, sad culture. It is all a conspiracy. Probably run by those Gypsies who run America’s banking system. Woman shop more, so the powers that be wish to turn us into women, so we men will shop more and generate more money for their mines of Gypsy gold. Some men are actually shaving hair that is on their bodies. Others are driving cars that are fairly small. This is symbolic of our society’s deteriation. Eventually men will begin to develop breasts. This gives me strange feelings. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or not.
2. Vikings like to be violent. Violence! Everyone likes violence! We should be more violent, because violence is masculine. Grr. Masculinity. Vikings used to invade other nations, steal their gold, burn their rooves and shuffle awkwardly around their women. We should also do this. Australia should develop its own raiding fleet, and traverse the seas raiding the opulent and highly irritating coast of California. Maybe we can steal Kim Kardashian and reinstate her as rightful Queen of Armenia.
But really, the time has come for Australia to project it’s naval dominance across the world. We need an aircraft carrier and a hundred longboats to make our presence known across the Asian region. We shall surely be able to decimate the tin-pot navies of Indonesia and Malaysia, and thanks to years of seasonal migration, Bali is an almost an Australian colony, and useful springboard for attacks on the rest of the islands. Only bogans go to Bali, and statistically they have more beards per capita than the general Australian populace, therefore this endeavour is doomed to success.
I shall then move to Bali, grow a beard and bench press Afghani asylum seekers to prove my dominance. Upon this premise I shall become King of Bali, appointing Barnsey as my Chief of Staff, as he would make a good Viking and rally thousands of Bogans to my cause. As soon as I learn to swim, to row and discover the finer points of sailing I will sail to North Korea with my Viking-Bogan fleet. I will sail up the river to Pyongyang, capture Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un and transport them to Texas, where they shall be forced to make a demeaning and soul destroying sit-com about their lives.
I will also capture their nuclear weapons. With a nuclear deterrent the newly renamed Bogan Isles will be impregnable to US Invasion. Not that they could organise one anyway, it’d cost way too much, and they are in debt. They are in debt because of their ridiculous foreign policy of occupying foreign nations rather than simply raiding them and return to their home ports, laden with crude oil, frankenscence and hommus. Silly Americans.
With my powerbase cemented my mind will no doubt grow restless, and my hear yearn for something more honest and wholesome then pillaging the weak, middle class lands of the Earth. I will sail to Armenia, where I previously installed Kim Kardashian as a puppet monarch, and make her my queen. She will no doubt provide engaging conversation about how much economic regulation I should place in my fledgling nation’s economic system, and will be a good shoulder to cry on when the pressures of power become too heavy a burden to bear on my own.
That is all you need to know about Vikings. Unless you want to be some sort of Viking scholar, who lives in Norway and only eats that type of cheese that has the holes in it, in which case I highly reccomend the Wikipedia article on Vikings and cheese respectively. Good hustle.