We should be more like Vikings.

Vikings were a group of travelling salesman who plied the North Sea waves from the 1960s to early 70s, broadcasting rock music to Yorkshire’s revolutionary youth. Vikings were also aggressive Scandinavian fellows who followed Deng Xiaopang’s Three Point Plan of looting, pillaging, and raping the entire continent of Europe for up to several centuries. Typical communists. There are six important things you should know about Vikings.

Deng Xiaoping

"It Is No Sin To Be A Viking" Deng Xiaoping 1876

1. They had beards. This is the most important thing you should know. If you ever see a Viking without a beard he is not a Viking. He is at best a Pirate and probably a Gypsy. We all know Gypsies should not be trusted. We know this because the letter ‘J’ has always been associated with trickery and tomfoolery. Jordan is a key example of this. It can be either a country or a person. How devious.

Beards are highly important. They are symbols of a rapidly diminishing masculinity in our sad, sad culture. It is all a conspiracy. Probably run by those Gypsies who run America’s banking system. Woman shop more, so the powers that be wish to turn us into women, so we men will shop more and generate more money for their mines of Gypsy gold.  Some men are actually shaving hair that is on their bodies. Others are driving cars that are fairly small. This is symbolic of our society’s deteriation. Eventually men will begin to develop breasts. This gives me strange feelings. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or not.

2. Vikings like to be violent. Violence! Everyone likes violence! We should be more violent, because violence is masculine. Grr. Masculinity. Vikings used to invade other nations, steal their gold, burn their rooves and shuffle awkwardly around their women. We should also do this. Australia should develop its own raiding fleet, and traverse the seas raiding the opulent and highly irritating coast of California. Maybe we can steal Kim Kardashian and reinstate her as rightful Queen of Armenia.


With Armenia Our Client Kingdom, And Finland As An Ally, Eurovision Will Be Ours.

But really, the time has come for Australia to project it’s naval dominance across the world. We need an aircraft carrier and a hundred longboats to make our presence known across the Asian region. We shall surely be able to decimate the tin-pot navies of Indonesia and Malaysia, and thanks to years of seasonal migration, Bali is an almost an Australian colony, and useful springboard for attacks on the rest of the islands. Only bogans go to Bali, and statistically they have more beards per capita than the general Australian populace, therefore this endeavour is doomed to success.

I shall then move to Bali, grow a beard and bench press Afghani asylum seekers to prove my dominance. Upon this premise I shall become King of Bali, appointing Barnsey as my Chief of Staff, as he would make a good Viking and rally thousands of Bogans to my cause. As soon as I learn to swim, to row and discover the finer points of sailing I will sail to North Korea with my Viking-Bogan fleet. I will sail up the river to Pyongyang, capture Kim Jong Il and Kim Jong Un and transport them to Texas, where they shall be forced to make a demeaning and soul destroying sit-com about their lives.

I will also capture their nuclear weapons. With a nuclear deterrent the newly renamed Bogan Isles will be impregnable to US Invasion. Not that they could organise one anyway, it’d cost way too much, and they are in debt. They are in debt because of their ridiculous foreign policy of occupying foreign nations rather than simply raiding them and return to their home ports, laden with crude oil, frankenscence and hommus. Silly Americans.

Longboat from Poland!

If The Chinese Can Fit Missiles In Their Submarines, We Can Fit Them In Our Longships.

With my powerbase cemented my mind will no doubt grow restless, and my hear yearn for something more honest and wholesome then pillaging the weak, middle class lands of the Earth. I will sail to Armenia, where I previously installed Kim Kardashian as a puppet monarch, and make her my queen. She will no doubt provide engaging conversation about how much economic regulation I should place in my fledgling nation’s economic system, and will be a good shoulder to cry on when the pressures of power become too heavy a burden to bear on my own.

That is all you need to know about Vikings. Unless you want to be some sort of Viking scholar, who lives in Norway and only eats that type of cheese that has the holes in it, in which case I highly reccomend the Wikipedia article on Vikings and cheese respectively. Good hustle.


15 thoughts on “Vikings

  1. Ramblings and a red herring is right. You have too much time on your hands and make no coherent sense. Are you merely being humorous or do you wish to be taken seriously? If confusion is your intention, you’ve succeeded. If humor is your goal, few will laugh along, most will pass you by.

    Socialism is a utopian fantasy that never works out and taken to its logical conclusions usually turns into fascism or communism. Capitalism, for all of its problems is the best economic system.

    But, if it’s for your personal amusement, carry on. Hopefully you’re thinking through your ideologies though and really do believe in something.

    • Good morning Wadingacross.

      Thank you for your Frank yet Germanic evaluation. I choose all my words with care and precision, and so the use of “ramblings” and “red herring” were not coincedences

      I probably do have too much time on my hands. I think perhaps I will take up a sport in the not-too-distant future, as this would be good for my mental wellbeing and physical fitness. I used to do Taekwondo, but then I moved away from the venue, and I can’t afford a car. But there is a sports center nearby, and I’ve been apathetic for too long. Thankyou for this spur of motivation.

      I don’t intend to confuse, but if you’re confused that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I find confusion as one of the myriad of experiences and feelings that make up the human condition, and savour it individually for its unique challenges and mental stimulation. As for humour. I like humour, and as to my mastery (or lack there-of), I’ve had a number of different evaluations upon it, enough positive however, to keep me steady on my current course.

      I disagree with you ideologically, but don’t let this alarm you. I’m not entirely sure about anything, but I call myself vaguely a libertarian socialist, you can search-engine it if you like. I believe in a lot of things, none of which I’ll list, but rest assured I disagree with your drastic claims, especially given that you’ve not told me how and why socialism achieves such a drastic change, so I don’t exactly know what to disagree with precisely.

      But, as the byline states, these are my rambling musings. Sometimes they carry a sincere political message, stemming from an ideology formed through practical life experience. Other times they are absurd. Most often they are both. My own personal amusement does play a large part in it, so I will follow your advice, like you said about the sports centre, and carry on.

      By the way, did you even mention Vikings?

    • Good idea Maxim, but there is the chance that this could lead to some potential Vikings backing out due to feelings of inadequacy. Of course, we probably wouldn’t want beardless pin-dicked pansies like that anyway. Yarr.

      As for the second sentence. That would make quite an awesome euphemism.

  2. Yes I agree with Maxim. Although you sir wadingacross have slipped into some deep water with your comments in regards to humor or lack there of. In order to get humor of such high caliber one must first leave out such said inadequacy as stated and look deeply into the meaning of ones post.

    Such things of humor and political views do intertwine quite well in the posts here and this particular one touches on things such as the increasing feminisity of society and the decreasing dominance of the male role. Hence the female prime minister of Australia. Which with decreasing doubt I believe you played a role in.

    I am not a particulary bright person and I have found that posts like these do not confuse me the slightest and I find them very humorsome so I have reason to believe you were raised by a bunch of babbling baboons or that you are an American. The second suggestion I shudder at most and with your sharp hastey dismissal of socialism I believe you are a pompous fool. Or in other words. An American.

  3. I meant no offence as you can probably gather by my friend here we are no where near serious and do it all in the fun of the sport, my sincerest apologies.

  4. I am not a morning person either. This is why I have recently adopted the temporary pattern of awakening at twelve and going back to sleep at three in the morning. The night is good for my mind.

    Anyway good to see you two coming to such a quick and warm reconciliation. If only our politicians were so reasonable…

  5. Politicians aren’t rational nor are they reasonable. They make a living out of making peoples lives miserable. There are a few who do indeed make it worth while for the working class but very few share these ideas. Obama is one that is actually trying to make a difference. Although in regards to carbon tax and climate change, Australians are paying the worlds highest carbon tax and are producing very low amounts, how does this work? The government is so hell bent on trying to please overseas nations and to prove a point that they have lost the vision of the future our friends and family died for in order to protect.

    The solution is not to tax the people but to educate them and employ them and emplore them to help with finding new resolutions to these crisis’s such as global warming and the lack of sustainable oil reserves. If only they looked beyond their own pockets for once….

    • I disagree. You seem to be reading straight off Abbott’s and big business’s anti-Carbon Tax ads which are proliferating across our television screens like intoxicated rabbits.

      As for Obama. I don’t exactly know what he’s doing. Just hanging around pleasing neither right nor left. Only the bat-shit craziness of most of the Republican candidates keeps his re-election hopes at all buoyant.

      I would like to ask however, what alternative you suggest?

  6. In terms of power? I propose we inprove things such as wind, tidal and solar afterall, unless the wind stops blowing, the sun dies (which wont happen for another few million years) and the moon leaves orbit then these sources of power are always going to be available and they do not produce harmful gases or toxins constantly into the environment. As with everything there will be some damage in the short term due to construction but the only thing that we are truly risking is the future of all life on earth. What will happen when we screw this planet up? There is not much to do in terms of “relocate to another planet” as people are proposing. These is not plausable or not yet plausable nor practical.

    • But there does need to be some sort of government incentive to encourage investment and transition to said renewables. I mean morals and nanny state shiz is all good and well, but practically, working within this system, the good old status quo sometimes needs a good kick in the pants to get it set down the right track.

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