Becoming “Oi Alvarez”

Analyising carefully the individual factors that make up the social situation in Bungwahl I have come up with a key assertion. Bungwahl needs a hero. Bungwahl need a revolutionary figurehead, a charismatic, emblematic, symptomatic and democratic embodiement of the core Bungwahlian values of Equality, Truth, Laziness and Incest (although the last two often fit together quite well).

I will be that hero. And to reach my full potential as egotistic and idealistic guerrilla leader I will model myself on perhaps the most succesful example that the world has ever had, one who is remembered and revered to this very day. I speak of course of Che Guevara.

There are several points to bear in mind, and so several steps to take if I wish to become a figure in the likeness of the great Che. These were all I could think of.

Free Bungwahl

1. Hair

I must have hair like Che Guevara. As a revolutionary leader, who fights in a tropical wilderness it would make sense to have short cropped hair. On account of stress and bugs and sweat and whatnot. I read this in Frederick Forsyth’s Dogs of War, which is a good book. Four stars.

But the point to such hair goes beyond mere practicality. You hair must be wild and free, like a naked gazelle bounding through the steaming savannahs of Brooklyn. You must be a wild, charismatic and elemental force of nature, you must exude style and power. You must be the raw visceral personification of the revolution.

I'm On A Mule

"I'm On A Mule"

In regards to hair I am succeeding. I haven’t cut my hair in months, and it is wild, free, matted and unkempt. My ex’s step-sister keeps telling me to cut it, but this is silly. I don’t tell her to cut her hair, and she’s a ranga, and everyone knows red hair isn’t half as nice as the smooth jet black hair I possess. Also when I get out of the shower I can make my hair all spiky like an anime/manga character. This also looks cool.

2. Beard

I am capable of growing a beard. This power comes with great responsibility, and I habitually choose to shave my beard as to not intimidate the meeker characters of my community. It is probably also out of a sense of self preservation. Pretty much all of the good famous leftist had/have beards, therefore having a beard broadcasts to the world your politics and intentions. The CIA once tried to slip powder into Fidel Castro’s boots to make his beard fall out. True story.

Fidel Poster

English Translation: My Beard Gives Me Power

Therefore for Revolutionary purposes I will let me beard grow, at least to the level of stubble possessed in the famous picture of him that’s all over those T-Shirts.

3. Learn Spanish

Pretty self explanatory. I’m learning French and German, but there’s no language for revolutionising quite like the old Espanol. It’s also quite a common and useful language given the whole colonisation of South America thingy. “Hasta la Victoria Siempre!”

4. Get Beret

I have a black beret, but it’s more French Resistance rather than Che Guevara. This might be a nice and unique touch, and those Frogleg-munching cyclists where quite badass too.

5. Learn to Fight

I’ll go to Taekwondo to learn how to fight. My legs shall become steel bear-teeth, my arms, steel back scratchers, and my mind a steel trap. I will be able to kick the living shiz out of anyone I see. But only capitalists. In top hats. Their immense bulk will make for an easy victory, but their hired goons may prove a harder nut to suck, leading to my next point.

Taekwondo in Spain

If I Learn Taekwondo In Spain I Can Kill Two Proverbial Birds With A Metaphysical Phone

6. Recruit Comrades

I already have these comrades. Good, solid, stoic men who can grow facial hair if the need comes. I shall preside over them with a sense of heart-warming charisma. We shall become a tight-knit band of brothers through our journey in tropical wildernesses, ritualised Greco-Roman wrestling and late night games of Yahtzee. That may seem homo-erotic, but what’s wrong with a little homo-eroticism? Besides will any of you homophobes be complaining come the revolution? No. And none shall stand in our way.

7. Wear Uniform

I need to wear an emblematic uniform. Not my school uniform. That’s just stupid. It’s too establishment and it’s not even that comfortable. Maybe something vaguely military. I’ll be wearing a beret already, so I won’t wear a striped shirt. Don’t want to be mistaken for a travelling Breton onion-salesman.

'Allo 'Allo

Note To Self. Resist Becoming Stereotype.

8. Get A Short Nickname

“Che” is a short vocal interjection along the lines of “hey” in Argentinian Spanish. The closest resemblance of this in the Bungwahlian dialect of English is “Oi”. So I will become Oi Alvarez. A certain ring nu?

Well that’s pretty much all of it. I could become so lost in my idealism that I come to lose part of my humanity and commit heinous acts in the name of “the Revolution” or I could die a symbolic and futile death surrounded by enemies in despair in some far off region of the world, but both of those will really interfere with my HSC.


2 thoughts on “Becoming “Oi Alvarez”

  1. Yes, Comrade Edgaredgarerger and I both had beards at one stage, and would stick photographs of ourselves next to pictures of Lenin and Castro. Must find those somewhere. Keep up the study comrade, it is important for members of the working class to aspire to the most comfortable cubicle they can achieve (said with absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever). Good luck, you remind us of the people we used to see in the mirror (this is not a reference to CEEs belief he is in everyone’s mirror).

    • Thank you Comrade. I had a most excellent moustache last week, dressed up as a Mexican and played ukulele at a friend’s party. Unfortunately I was conscripted into giving tiring back massages, and long marches to various lakes and so forth. That said, I did not reveal my true Identity as socialist revolutionary, as not all of our intricate maskirovka was in place. Facial hair will hasten the revolution!

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