Apple Juice Essay (Rant)

I love Apple juice. But it’s turning me into a Reaganite. Wow. I bet you don’t hear that every day of the week chums. I will elaborate.

The existence and the ready availability of apple juice for my own consumption challenges all of my irreligious and socialist tendencies to such a degree that I quail in primal fear at the thoughts which begin to pervade my mind. What? That’s mental! Well, no it isn’t, but before I explain this ridiculous claim I’ll give my own unique, personal evaluation upon the lovely liquid.

Apple juice is the juice of apples, basically a liquid extract of that lovely fruit, the bane of Adam’s and probably all of humanity’s existence, if you follow certain Abrahamic monotheistic religious traditions. Apple juice can be made in factories. Just like peaches. I learnt this fact from a very interesting and informative song. It was called Peaches. Fittingly. Apparently peaches come in a can. They were put there by a man, although the exact identity of this man is never specified, in a factory of a town that is also unspecified. And if the protagonist of the piece had his “little way” he would consume his choice fruit of peaches “every day”. This sums up my attitude to apple juice.

Glass of Apple Juice

Despite Visual Similarites It Does Not Taste Like Urine

Apple juice is the fuel of my existence. Just like petroleum products are to today’s modern economy, papyrus was to the Egyptians, and the ridiculously named unobtanium will be to future human society if the movie Avatar is of any credence. Apple juice is powering my fingers as I type this blog post at thirty-three minutes past three on a Wednesday morning, though the corn chips earlier also helped. When I walk home from my college of education, a nice cold drink of apple juice cools my prostrated form, sweating profusely from the Australian sun, and puts my brain into some semblance of working order. When suffering severe emotional stress, one can sip apple juice in between sobs, its sweet nectar soothing oneself into a state nearing contentment. Indeed, the fact that there will be a bottle of apple juice in the fridge, to be sampled at any time, puts me at ease. To use an old Australian phrase, “she’ll be apples.”

There is a twofold problem here however. Probably more, but I can only think of two right now, and my fingers are tired from practicing ukulele chords all day, but that’s another story. The first is religious.

Given that apples are so referenced in the creation myths of Christianity, Judaism (I think), and possibly Islam (though I haven’t checked) and most likely in various other belief systems across the planet, and given that the fruit is so delicious, intricately fashioned and perfect for my consumption, perhaps creationism has some credence. Is it even possible for apples to occur (that’s a suitable verb isn’t it?) through the process of evolution? I doubt this. Several years of atheism presented by bitter agnostics (the public education system) rails against this tendencies, and all sorts of evidence in favour of evolution pops up like the lid of a broken, and sadly obsolete, Walkman. Unfortunately I am to content to listen to hard evidence, or read hard facts. Mmm… Apple.

Number two! I get apple juice from a shop. I live in a little cardboard box/hovel/beachside apartment and cannot grow apple juice. Even if I sowed the little plot of grass outside the lobby with apple seeds, I doubt that anything would grow there due to the biting coastal winds, and even if they did, they would probably taste salty or get pinched by scrupulous holidaymakers from Melbourne or some other freezing wet slum from down south.

Graffiti of Mustachioed Hipster On Wall

This Is Melbourne

This being as it is, I am forced to obtain my apple juice from secondary providers, that is, one of the two big supermarket duopolies, Acme Foods and Vittle Corp. Well not really, I could go down to one of my local fruit shops or something, but one time I did that, and only succeeded in buying exactly the same brand of apple juice that I got from the evil people at approximately two times the price. Really it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. Two fruit from the same tree.

So, bearing all above in mind, my apple juice habit, disgusting as it is, is dependent on capitalism. Now, we probably could set up some worker’s collective in Nimbin or something, and grow apples there organically, and spike the juice with THC for extra effect but where would that get us in the long run? Probably not that far considering that I’m not self-disciplined enough to complete a music assignment, and I dislike the taste of THC. Therefore we must rely on capitalism, as a necessary evil in the obtaination (that’s a word) of this utter necessity.

Cat That Looks Like Banker

And They Wonder Why Wall Street Is Occupied...

So despite all of my hatred of consumerism, waste and top hats, I must begrudgingly give capitalism some credit and thanks due to its irregular supply of apple juice, depending on my irregular supply of capital. And I do declare henceforth that the smooth (arguable), efficient (arguable) and ethical (kind of bullshit) manner that the system of capitalism employs to deliver goods and services across the globe does give some people, some benefits. But I generalise massively. I should however remind the reader, that without a generous dollop of socialism, (the depraved welfare state) I would not be typing this article, not be able to use a computer, and probably having to sip droplets of my beloved juice off cans left discarded at the side of the road.

In reiteration: I should stop overanalysing apple juice as soon as possible.


18 thoughts on “Apple Juice Essay (Rant)

    • I think myself as a friend of fritters, despite my limited contact with them. As for apple cider, haven’t drank it a long old time, though I have got a dull and uninteresting anecdote about its ‘alcoholic effects’.

  1. This post made me very jealous of you. I used to be a die-hard apple juice addict to the point where going without it was actually painful. Then, I developed an allergy to it and haven’t been able to drink it for over two months now. It’s so depressing!

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