You Say Gang, I Say Subculture

I am currently typing from the Bieber-bedecked bedroom of my tweenage cousin, in a particularly unremarkable suburb of Sydney. I’m itinerant like that. A sort of nomad who travels by bus and peak hour trains. Most nomads don’t really do that, granted. I mean they sort of get about using in yurts and Bactrian camels across wide tractless steppe, Tuvan throatsinging ominously into the star filled skies. But I’m not really that cool. I’m a twenty first century nomad who travels by freezing buses and interstate trains that smell of cigarettes and vomit. I get my food from monolithic fast food franchises and small shops near suburban railway stations. And I can only do basic throatsinging.

Naturally this series of unfortunate events have driven me to a state of deep existential angst, where my primal desires for something real, a sense of community and probably sex have made me become disenfranchised with society. What shall I do? Listening to the Safety Dance at ear damaging levels, growing my hair long and frequently procrastinating have only lead to several appointments with the local doctor and the quiet disdain of some of my teachers. I must do something more drastic. I must form a gang.

Why not become a Lad? Suggests some complete idiot whose probably related to me. There’s plenty of them, they’re totes tough and they already have a reputation for acting like dickheads and episodes of random wanton violence. That’s all very well, I counter, except it goes against all of the values I have, and everything I hold dear. Seriously, if I wanted to turn my body into advertising space for multinational corporations and attack passers-by, I’d become a billboard or a violent schizophrenic. If anything I want to form a gang that goes against the Lad concept. Anti-materialist and mutual defence rather than recreational violence. If you’re not from Australia and have no idea what I’m talking about check this informative video. Or this short unrefined video that contains lots of fighting and stuff for all of you troglodytes out there.

Sing Describing Lads

Lads. How Bloody Wonderful.

Tall order? You ask sceptically, and why do you keep asking rhetorical questions? Luckily I watched a French documentary about a socialist street gang in the ‘70s last night. So I now have all the know-how and motivation to do it. I will outline my method so perhaps you can replicate it, and share this rich and wholesome experience with the collection of associates our vain materialistic society conveniently labels friends.

1. Get tough and whatnot.

Real gangs possess a sort of physical strength and presence that me and my ‘friends’ simply don’t have. The answer: Get tough. We’re going to start going to the gym, and bench pressing scantily clad women and exercise bikes with a previously dictated selection of our ten fingers. I said this because that’s pretty much the only things I’ve found at my local gym that are heavy enough to lift and look tough doing. We’ve already organised. Me and me mates are going to do boxing, running on the beach, stretches and shiz and cage fighting juvenile bears. Also taekwondo. By the end we should be so damn awesome we’d be able to take on any of the other measly gangs and groups that operate in our little town with contemptuous ease. We’ll also be able to take on the Lads, depending how many of them there are. I hear they hang outside shopping malls searching for brand name clothing and funny looking people to abuse. We’ll put a stop to that. But being tough and whatnot is only a small part of being a gang. The other part is collectivism. Yay! Collectivism!

2. Look

The coolest gangs wear clothes and stuff that marks them out from all the common wimpy bourgeois mainstream folk and the other gangs. I’m thinking practically, as I always do. It’s going to be based upon plain clothes, things easy to obtain like a White T-Shirt and jeans. We’d also wear a vintage coat or something, coz vintage is cool, and a little accessory, like a red sash or button to go over the top. We’ve got to look tough, yet sophisticated, yet also resplendent. We also need a hair style. I’m going to make it longish hair because I’ve got longish hair and I can’t be bothered cutting it. I might not even worry about the hair. I’ll ask me mates about it. Any which way it doesn’t matter, we can’t look as ridiculous as Lads. Rats tails and singlets? It’s like being Bogan without Cold Chisel, which is almost impossible and defeats the purpose of the Bogan.

Bogan on a Can

Cold Chisel Is Playing In the Background

3. Music

We need a distinctive style of music to listen to. The mods had New Wave, the punks had… punk and the skinheads had ska and then stupid reactionary rubbish about hating foreigners. In sharp contrast the new ‘Lad’ subculture cannot be said to have anything resembling music at all. At the moment I’m split between dubstep and Celtic punk. We might have to fuse both. We can also write our own music, giving us more street cred, money and women. Ok, that may go against my values, but I’m allowed to be hypocrite right?

4. Name

We need a good gang name a stirring, emotive name that’s easy to say and is imbued with hidden verbal power. Like a domesticated ferret, our gang name must have the power to both threaten and comfort the elderly. Having the definite article (for all of you fools out there that means ‘the’) does make you seem bold and definitive, but also risks making you sound like a band from the 1950s. That’s bad, because the Beatles are from the 1950s, and as much as I appreciate their music, they spelt the word ‘beetle’ wrong, and that is unforgivable. I’m thinking ‘Fraternity’ or ‘Collective’. Sounds kind of sci fi. Oooh. Sci fi. Neeow!

I was going to add a ‘reason to be’, or for you fancy Francophile hipsters raison d’etre but you really don’t need a reason to hang around and do stuff with people, at least I never have. This whole thought process is probably some sort of psychological reaction prompted by the culture clash a good old country boy like me gets when he comes to the city. I’m probably threatened by all the buildings and dirty air and people, and foreign people and foreign cars and foreign basketballers. Is that a word? I don’t know. Damn foreigners. I trust most of them around here, because very few have moustaches, especially the women. That said, I’m determined to make this last, and form a kickass gang society in the Great Lakes and bust that unwanted flab faster than you can say 49.99!

Strange Terms

Everybody knows there are twisted people on the internet. They inhabit the forums of this immaterial world like weevils inhabit silos of grain, devouring all that is holy, fornicating wildly and generally doing creepy shit that freaks us out collectively. The evidence of these strange eldritch beings come to straight-edged community pillars such as I only occasionally. One of these methods is via the search terms used to reach my blog, several of which I will illustrate. I have got a treasure trove of gems that I could probably show you, but I haven’t got the time. And no, that is not a euphemism,

A Viewer

This Man Recommends My Posts on Mongooses

“Soviet Russia Jokes”

Not creepy but noteworthy. It says a lot about the internet community and the quality of my blog that the most popular search term used to reach my little site is this. Of all the Soviet Russia jokes that I have heard only one was made me ‘lol’ and that was told by a dear and a hilarious friend who shall remained unnamed, so as to protect him from the hordes of envious comedy geeks which congregate, batlike, across the wide world of the internet. The rest of the terms, at least the interesting ones, can be divided into two loose categories.

Category One: Utterly Random

There are certain terms that pop up on your dashboard that neither disturb one, nor prompt one to cackle unstably. There are certain terms, such as these, that are so utterly strange and surreal, that you often spend a good fifteen minutes contemplating who on Earth could have thought such a thing and how they found your blog.

1. “cats watching a pot”

WTF? I honestly don’t know. Three people used this… I didn’t even know cats went in for that sort of shiz. If this is some sort of meme can somebody let my know? I mean, I don’t really go in for memes, but this seems hilarious at a surface level, and I for one, cannot wait for the opportunity to while away all of my hours and computer bandwidth looking at images of cat staring fixedly at a vast and diverse range of terracotta pots.

"Is Your Washroom Breeding Bolsheviks?"

Think About It...

2. “negative and positive space with hands”

I have no idea. I put an article up about hippies a while back. I presume it’s that smelly lot, they always go in for all that pseudo-science about ley lines and spirit guides and whatnot. There is probably some legitimate explanation, but I’m too lazy to investigate.

3. фото коттеджей высокого разрешения

OR: High resolution pictures of cottages.

This reflects the highly active and voracious community of cottage enthusiasts who reside in Mother Russia. Not content for blurry grainy pictures of their beloved edifices, these badboys go for high res close ups of awnings, mantels and even gables! Pursue at your own risk!

Category 2: Sus.

You know why people do this. Because deep down people are base, primitive creatures who want to root things. Combine this evaluation with the fact that a lot of people are heaps weird and you get the search terms below. None of these really have a G-Rating by the way.

Eurovision Armenia!

Charades? I Hope Not.

1. “best russian erotic”

Pretty straightforward. I used my imagination to hypothesise what the person was looking for. Six Cossack girls and a KGB operative are stranded in sauna in the middle of the Siberian tundra. Shenanigans ensue.

2. “immense joy fun cat”

Either really innocent with meme and Otaku (my new word of the week) influences, or quite, quite… “nice”. *shivers*

3. “gypsy naked woman”

See number one. Replace Cossack girls with gypsy equivalents. Replace KGB officer with Old Uncle Vanya. Set in the mountains of Eastern Bulgaria.

4. “russian whores”

Very subtle. These are real women. With lives and family you know. Shame, shame on you. Get off the internet and start tuning some chicks of your own you sad 15 year old World of Warcraft fans from Minnesota, or Bristol.

5. “keating touches queen”

Probably involving a political scandal of the eighties. Could however be geopolitical hard porn. If I go further I may be charged with sedition.

Category 2B: Kissin’ Cousins.

Ever since Elvis, the king of Rock and Roll legitimised incest in the late 1950s, with a movie often described as the epitome of the flourishing Incest genre, rural relatives have been going at it like large, toothless rabbits with nasal twangs. The effects of this can be seen here.

Elvis and His Cousins

Elvis: Made Incest Cool Again

1. “russian incest”

Cousin Katja and Cousin Vladmir are all alone in a distant Kazakh gulag, there family sent there for criticising municipal grain policy. They burn with adolescent passion, but there is only one outlet…

2. “appalachian people inbreeding”

See above replace Katja with Mary-Sue, Vladmir with Billy-Jay. You can pretty much ad lib the rest.

3. “erotic ,,incest,,”

The strange comma things make me think Europeans searched this one. Those twisted quasi-socialist yuppies with their IKEA and their healthcare… The socialist hellhole that they live in is so monotonous and dull, that their turn to incest is almost understandable.

4. “inbred movie”

This I presume.

So that’s it! Cats! Incest! Russian whores! These are the interests of my viewers, as an utterly committed free marketeer, convinced of the steady, firm, sweaty grip of Adam’s invisible hand, I must now make sure my new content reflects these people’s demands. Anthropomorphic Russian lesbian incest ahoy!

Participating Parties In Order

Want to follow our blog tour? Here are the participating parties, day by day

November 5th — – Kirsten Writes!

November 6th — – A Farewell To Sanity

November 7th — – Eat, Sleep, Write, Repeat

November 8th — – Embracing Insanity

November 9th — – Novel Journeys

November 10th —- – Red Herring Online

November 11th — – Tay’s Tape

November 12th — – The Land of Man-Eating Pixies

November 13th – – Random On My Mind!

November 14th – – This Page Intentionally Left Blank

November 15th — – Here’s To Us

November 16th— – The Incessant Droning of a Bored Writer

November 17th — – Teens Can Write Too! (We will be announcing the topic for the next month’s chain)