Like that mythical yet unknown teenager so long ago, procrastination will be the death of me. I’m addicted to it. I can’t stop. Invades my every waking moment. Every time I get home, every time I’m alone with nothing to do, I begin. I hold nothing sacred, I think about nothing else. I have a problem.

I Can't Be Bothered

The Mid-Course Exams for Year 12 are rearing their ugly head like neatly categorised toothed dolphins. You may not think that’s ugly, but imagine dolphins with teeth for a second, and like the British Empire in Harry Turtledove’s Worldwar series, I’m sure you’ll come around to my way of thinking. The Mid-Courses are here on Monday and I’ve got to study. I’ve got to write two practice exams at least, one for English and one for History, and added to that complete the backlog of German work that I’ve been neglecting via correspondence. To be fair I have excuses to rationalise my behaviour.

I don’t feel to well. I have a headache. My throat’s sore. What she said really hurt me and I need some time to recover. I feel fat! Leave me alone!

But really. Essays are harder to write than a blog post or a story. You need evidence. You need to read two texts, comb them for quotes and specific stylistic features and shiz, formulate them into structured and orderly paragraphs (Topic, Example, Explanation), then arrange those paragraphs in a way that misdirects the hapless marker into thinking you have some grasp of logic, and can think coherently. It’s nearly impossible. I prefer to go back to my work writing a post-apocalyptic surrealist stream of consciousness romp through the British Orient.

And as for the German homework. I’ve explained the unique mindbending features of the German language on another post. Besides, I have to log into some internet site and listen to RP accented folks speak to me for half an hour to complete the required task. That comes under my definition of cruel and unusual torture. Lol jokz. Love you guys xox.

So instead of making a productive use of a beautiful Saturday morning, here I am. On the computer, switching back and forth, birdlike between a ten year old strategy game and the twisted gaudy wonders of the internet. I am procrastinating. This infection, this disease infects my life like the spread of neoliberalism across the Western world after the collapse of the Soviet bloc. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t be bothered going for a run. Homework is left in a tattered pile within my schoolbag. And I’m feeling the effects.

Like a conscientious Russian housewife, my taught athletic frame is collecting flab in strategic places. I’m falling behind in certain subjects, and every day I put off my required tasks to listen to eighties music and sleep. I know of course where this will all lead. I’ll be unhealthy, stupid and hopeless, crying naked in my bedroom, listening to an Adele, album with a cardboard cask of wine in my hands, surrounded by stray cats.

But I know how to stop this! How to take control of my life! I just need to get stuck in! Je fais m’y mettre! I need to get up early and stop watching reruns of Torchwood! (I’ll have to get my daily dose of homoerotic violence somewhere else instead) I need to start an exercise routine! Run to Buladelah and back with twenty kilo weights on each arm! I need to dive into my schoolwork with joy and panache! That’s it! Routine! Order! I will become the master of my own existence via the divine force of free will!

In a minute.


12 thoughts on “Procrastination

  1. I used to be the worst procrastinator!! Then I dropped out of school and now all I do is work, which is fun and a lot better than school because ‘work’ means writing and trolling the blogosphere. You can pull my unheeded advice out of that I’m sure: Drop out, haha. And yes!! Free will!! We’re all drifting along in probabilities until we decide and act to pull a set of probabilities into ‘reality’. good shit. Now i’ll go watch those videos

  2. I LOVE Procrastinating. It’s pretty much my favorite hobby. (I consider sleeping more of a professional core competency than a hobby). My procrastination of the last year or so has taken the form mainly of looking at pictures of cats on the internet, or playing freecell while listening to archived programs from BBC Radio4 [I am dedicated to *In Our Time*. I will listen to them talk about ANYthing on that program]. I especially revel in the array of British accents on BBC Radio 4. I also got extremely excited when I realized that people would say things like, “He became a communist after attending university” without using “communist” as a pejorative. SO unlike American radio! I’d rather listen to Received Pronunciation than horrible New York/Long Island stridency anyday.
    Good luck with thos exams, though I doubt you’ll have any troubles at all. The procrastination may keep you from making much headway with that “post-apocalyptic surrealist stream of consciousness romp through the British Orient” (which I would probably read avidly). I know MY procrastination addiction to BBC Radio4 is one of the major reasons I haven’t yet finished my dissertation. Well, BBC Radio4, and miscellaneous blogs. And of course: pictures of cats on the internet.

    • You can tell your professor it’s my fault if you hand in your dissertation too late. Blame communist mind tricks and whatnot.

      As for the accents, that was indeed a joke. RP accents are nice to listen, ie. Stephen Fry. Every accent has it’s uniqueness and RP can be very useful, as a voice of authority in call centres for instance.

      And thanks of the best wishes! I just did my Modern History exam, and flirted with the idea of including Happy Days in my Golda Meir essay (long story), but I don’t know if that’d go down well with the board…

      • unfortunately, communist mind tricks won’t fly as an excuse with my dissertation chair, who is a pretty dedicated marxist of sorts.

        We in the US are such suckers for British accents. Makes everyone sound smart(er). Is there an Australian “official” or formal accent? The Australian equivalent of BBC English (or is it just BBC English)?

        Happy Days in a Golda Meir essay…? I’m not going to ask.

      • Damn. I forgot that all of your universities are filled with subversives.

        Australian English has three major accents, based on class mostly. General Australian, middle class urban, spoken by about 70-80% of the population (think Hugh Jackman), Broad Australian, with about 10% spoken by the rural, Steve Irwin, and Cultivated Australian, another 10% like RP, and spoken by the upper class and people from Adelaide. :p

        As for Golda Meir, that comes from a class discussion, and her spending much of her early life in Milwaukie, Wisconsin.

    • Now that’d be a good study for the CSIRO, whether procrastination has genetic origins, it’d probably lead to a new program of Eugenics though, so maybe not.

      Also, I can’t see how Factacular is a waste of time. You never know when you might need those facts!

  3. I’m sitting here in hysterics! My procrastination posts are never this good – they’re just lots of gifs I’ve found on Tumblr and feel the need to share.
    Also, that Torchwood comment – you have killed me. I am dying of laughter. My friend KM just looked over to see why I sound like I’m having a heart attack….

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