Quiz: What Type of Socialist Are You?

If you’re reading this blog, and I presume you are, I’m automatically assuming that you’re a socialist. If you’re not then just pretend for the duration of the article, because what’s following is not going to be very much use to you. Put bluntly it won’t be very much use to anyone, but that’s life I suppose. Existential angst! Cue non-sequitur.

(Thanks also to Comrade Pedro for some valuable input. Solidarity)

Your favourite type of drink is:

A. Vodka

B. Coffee

C. Beer

Your favourite hat is:

A. A Ushanka

B. A Beret

C. A Helmet

Your favourite type of music is:

A. The Red Army Choir

B. You probably haven’t heard of it.

C. Anything by Wagner

Your economic policy is summed up by which statement?

A. Liquidate the kulaks as a class.

B. Bring down the corporations man!

C. Our companies must be Aryan and guided by the Leader’s will.

What do you do with Germanic Runes?

A. Ban them

B. Wear them around my neck

C. Paint them on the side of my tank.

What type of facial hair do you have?

A. Broomhead moustache

B. Intellectual stubble/beard

C. Toothbrush moustache

Your favourite director is?

A. Sergei Eisenstein.

B. Michael Moore.

C Leni Riefenstahl.

Gulags make you:

A. Hard

B. Disgusted, I hate the architecture.

C. Fearful for the survival of the Master race.

Your favourite way of purging involves:

A. The KGB

B. A good black coffee

C Long knives

Are you racist?

A. No, but death to the Germans

B. No way man!

C. Of course? We are the Master race,

You are the leader of a large socialist power. A smaller neighbouring power begins making decisions that go against your interests. Do you:

A. Invade and kill the intelligentsia

B. Like make peace with the guys.

C Invade and kill the intelligentsia

Who should have won WW2?

A. The USSR. And we did.

B. Cuba.

C. Germany.

Who did you support in Star Wars?

A. The Empire

B. Never watched it.

C. The Empire

What do you think of Rick from the Young Ones.

A. Revisionist filth

B. The People’s Poet

C. Leftist filth

How do you regard America?

A. Imperialist dogs

B. Imperialist dogs

C. Held in thrall by the Zionist Occupational Government.

Who is your hero?

A. Stalin

B. Che Guevara or Michael Moore.

C. Hit- I mean Otto Strasser.

Count up your scores! What option did you score the most! Tally your bananas, because daylight has come, and its time to figure out what socialist you are!

A. You are a Stalinist. You have impressive facial hair and find absolute power orgasmic. You hate the fascistic west, and hope to keep your nation free from its decadence by crushing all dissent. In your free time you travel out to your, sorry, the people’s dacha by the Volga, smoke cigars, drink vodka and reminisce with your old comrade about the civil war. At least those you haven’t ordered be killed.

B. You are a hipster. You wear a beret and a cardigan. You carry around Christopher Hitchens and a coffee thermos in your satchel, Richard Dawkins is your God and America is your Satan. You voted for Obama but are now fashionably dissatisfied with his warmongering regime. You want to destroy all corporation except for Apple, and like nothing more than sitting back with your fellow liberal arts majors and sip lates while reflecting on the coming end of capitalism.

C. You are a Nazi. You are highly strung, racist and ordered in your everyday life. You are clean shaven, even your scalp is bare, except of course for a small toothbrush moustache, which when pressed, you insist is an homage to Charlie Chaplain. You want to name your child, assuming that any woman is insane enough to touch you, Adolf, as you are proud of your German heritage. Your daily energies go towards writing anti-Semitic blog posts and trawling Stormfront for hot Aryans in your area. To unwind you lie about in your underwear, sipping beer or bourbon and watching reruns of Wolverines and Romper Stomper.


32 thoughts on “Quiz: What Type of Socialist Are You?

    • Self deprecation is often the most liberating form of satire in my eyes. :p Any sane person ends up under the Hipster category, or clicking off in confusion and disgust. That said, that particularly quiz is utterly flawless in every regard. 😉

  1. AAAND I could not answer to the facial hair question, since I don’t have any XD My eyebrows don’t look specifically stalinish or anything…

  2. I can’t *afford* to be an Apple FanGrrrl. and I hate all coffee-based drinks (unless kahlua counts?). but otherwise….ugh, hipster. I refuse to be hipster. I did vote for Obama, though, and I’LL DO IT AGAIN!!! I live in a swing state now, and I have to vote strategically, rather than find the least-batshit-crazy third party candidate and vote for him (or her. though probably him).
    I imagine that real socialists, and sane people around the world, laugh their heads off at all the jackasses in America who freak out about Obama the “socialist,” and who use “socialism” and “communism” interchangeably. I don’t even *want* to think about what those same sane people think about the “creationist” anti-science movement in the US. I have GOT to find a nice polite Dane or Norwegian to marry so I can get out of this loony bin of a nation.

    • Haha, neither. I have a nano given to me by an aunt. (Thanks!) and that’s all. I only drink coffee as a novelty and I’d probably vote Obama too. You guys should adopt preferential voting. It works well here, and means third party candidates can actually get a leg up.

      As for laughing at you? Yes, we do. Obama is a moderate conservative in most of the Western world. People who you call socialists, like Nader and Kucinich, are mainstream social democrats throughout Europe and over here. In my extension class we study world paradigms. Our teacher always says that “Theism, the belief in an interventionist God, basically ended after World War Two. Except in America of course.”

      • is there some way i can become a mail-order bride for some nice socialist in a nice socialist country? there isn’t anyone in American politics that *I* would call a socialist. “They” use that term to describe anyone with even a teeny hint of a social conscience, or left-of-hard-right views on anything. This fundamentalist Christian trend in the states is both terrifying and embarrassing. One of the worst things is, because Americans are so certain they’re perfect, they/we can’t be shamed by other countries. We’re “above” caring what other countries think of us. I frankly don’t understand how the US got to be the way it is (I mean, I know the historical, social and economic explanations, but it still doesn’t make sense on a personal level – I’m not a greedy nasty conservative jerk, and I’ve lived here my whole life. Assimilation isn’t mandatory).

      • Be careful what you wish for, or at least be more specific, unless you want to be stuck in Cuba working for a “large” middle-aged man who lives with his mother. Why not emigrate over here? It’s not entirely socialist, but we’ve got universal healthcare and a functioning safety net. That said, most things try to kill you, but the weather is nice.

        But yes, the idea of American exceptionalism, coupled with eye-watering patriotism, reactionary, conservative ideals and jingoistic reflexes that are quite frankly dangerous, worries most of the world. The fact that this ideology, once able to be contained by a reasonably sensible majority is spilling out into the mainstream is increasingly nerve-wracking.

        But maybe its just America’s way of coping with a crisis? Europe riots and starts voting far left, America does the exact opposite? I’m generalising here though. These sort of people might not even be a plurality, let alone a majority, set against individuals like yourself and the brief yet hopeful occupy movement.

  3. Was not expecting Hipsters to be B. I kept going back and forth between whether it would be the Chinese or the Cubans. Does that mean hipsters are Chinese Cubans? Pretty much.

  4. Ha ha, looks like I’m a hipster 😉 Well, I don’t know as I’m as socialist at all, and I’m also English and female (no beard; tea over coffee any day), so a few of the questions were a little hard to answer. Also, I’m a Christian… does that put socialism totally out of my future? But woopdedoo. Cardigans.
    Actually, right now I’m wearing a Frank Turner hoodie. I’m not even sure I’ve GOT a cardigan.

    • Fret not! Beardless English religious tea drinkers can still be socialists! Delving further into socialism and religion, liberation theology is quite big in Latin America, and Christian socialism is also a powerful force in the Western world. Once you draw on the anti-materialist and peacenik message of Jesus, it tends to make a lot of sense.

      • That would figure. Also a lot of Christianity is not only about equality, but also about not storing up wealth in material goods, and stuff like that.

      • Well, then, they obviously haven’t read it. It’s pretty much the running theme from beginning to end and is particularly prominent in what Jesus said.

      • That is true. But even so there is the idea of the Jubilee and the redistribution of wealth / cancelling debts every seven years and all that. We need that in this society! O.o

      • That’s a very interesting article, thanks for the link.
        When you say ‘secular socially’, what do you mean? Of course I understand that you are saying you wouldn’t call yourself a Christian or whatever (at least, I think you are), but which particular part of the ‘social’ aspect would that be? I’m intrigued 🙂
        Also, my mum thinks I’m wasting my time online, but this is the third religious/moral/philosophical conversation/debate I’ve had online with people I’ve not met, in the last eight days…

      • Its never wasting time in my opinion. I do it constantly. It’s taught me more than school has I think. :p

        I’m not a Christian no. I’m a sort of agnostic Pantheist (just to make things difficult), but I do identify with a lot what Jesus did and said. A message of social reform based around compassion will always ring true with me.

        When I used the term “socially secular” I mean that I want the government to be divorced from any religion, the total separation of church and state. Basically, while identifying with certain aspects of “sabbath economics”, I was trying to distance myself from actually going back to or enacting a “sabbath society”, or a theocracy.

        Theocracies from Cromwell’s Puritans, to modern Iran and even Tibet under the Dalai Lamas has always been repressive and regressive, enforcing the tenets of what they see as the rightful way on to their populations with or without consent. Drawing on historical precedents, a sabbath society may well incorporate the uglier parts of the old testament. Stoning to death adulterers and homosexuals, looking favourably upon religious wars and banning forms of political and artistic expression.

        There are however extremely liberal strains of Christianity, such as the Quakers, but I doubt that type would ever seek to enact a Theocracy anyway.

      • I see, so what you’re saying is that you wouldn’t feel ‘sabbath economics’ would work as it would require the participation of everybody, and there’s no way of making everybody agree to it so it would be against their will? I understand what you’re saying.
        A lot of law etc comes from religion, but I do feel it’s better if the government isn’t supporting one religion as, well, firstly they’re human and can make mistakes, and we wouldn’t want people saying, “This government claims to be [this religion]. They did [this]. Therefore [this religion] is bad.” And secondly, it enables people from different backgrounds to be more equal etc. And stuff. Plus, there are religions who frankly have some pretty weird ideas (including many strands of Christianity) … which would be miserable for all involved.

      • I was saying that about a sabbath society. You can never have the consent and participation of everyone in a society. Hence democracy. But a society that enforces religion and religious values by force, a theocracy is another beast entirely.

        I still think that we could integrate parts of sabbath economics into the way we run our economy though.

      • Fair enough. I’m so clueless on how society works in general that I can’t contribute anything else intelligent… ha ha.

  5. God is the market.
    I worship with my trolley,
    my clothes are adorned with the names of his
    lesser saints.
    Thatcher freed me from community.
    Richard Dawkins free me
    you bore
    so I can shop some more.

    Lets face it, you’re all hipsters. Edgar Edgarberger is the only person I know who scored “A”, but except for the racism, he could have scored “C”.

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